Blather, Mumblings and Insane Stories

You better not pout...you better not cry...

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 01:18:00 +0000

My latest story is a spoof of the movie "Twilight" and the "Harry Potter" series. It is called "Evening" and I will be trying to add two pages a week to it. To check it out follow this link to the main story page.

A while back I had asked the mighty artist Ozark (of "Mind Flayed" fame) to create an image of Palpatine as "Grandpa Sith" in the story "Deathtalker 2." Just recently, I received this picture:

Many thanks to Ozark for the picture!

Stuff that is already up:

Deathtalker - set in the Star Wars universe around the time of "Attack of the Clones," Anakin is the chosen one. But what was he chosen to do exactly? Anakin & company must discover the answer before the Emperor does

Deathtalker 2 - continuation of the story from Deathtalker. With the Emperor defeated, the threat to the Galactic Republic is over. So why is Anakin acting as if his job has just started? What is the function of the Deathtalker? Who the hell is Grandpa Sith?

Tentacle Luuuuv - Rugar loves Lomilyth. Lomilyth loves Edwarde. And Edwarde, of course, loves Rugar. Just to make things more interesting, Rugar is a half-orc, Lomilyth is a psychotic girly-elf, and Edwarde is an undead wizard. A story set in the universe of the web comic "Mind Flayed".

Groupthink: the Lighter Side an emerging telepathic group consciousness called the Coalition is born...in a prison for murderers and psychos. Does humanity have a future in a world run by a psychotic super-mind?

Evening Yog-Slothoth is poor, eeeenocent little puddle of greenish slime who just transferred to Heartworms, the premier school for magic. Can he (or is it she?) become popular among the students and survive to graduate?
A spoof of several movies including Twilight, Harry Potter. and the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

In the works...

Dark Age - a massive field of asteroids is going to obliterate life on Earth...in about 500 years. But a quirky group of world savers are on the job! Assuming their ship doesn't blow up...and they don't get bored during the trip...

Groupthink: the Beast - the companion story to Groupthink: the Lighter Side. An emerging telepathic group consciousness threatens to obliterate humanity. Can it be stopped before it's too late?

Ship of Fools! A dysfunctional group of "heroes" that encounter an artifact in hyperspace. The artifact is opened. It unleashes a plague. The plague turns people into zombies. Never fear The Force is ... out there somewhere.

Dark City. Five people discover that reality as we know it is a lie and that the world is in terrible danger. From within, the nefarious Technocracy plots to seize ultimate control while from outside super- natural entities gather their armies, bent on the extinction of Humanity. Can these newly "awakened" hope to save the world?
A story set in the universe of the White Wolf game Mage: the Ascension.

Shattered Lands In a dark world akin to Lord of the Rings, the forces of light were defeated thousands of years ago. In the present day, a small group of heroes fight for the survival of the last bastion of good.

Yog-Slothoth: In a quest for ultimate power, a wizard transforms himself into the being of ultimate magical power: which turns out to be a puddle of acidic slime. Just his luck to meet the girl of his dreams during a mid-life crisis.

OK, so I "embellished" the descriptions a bit. Maybe a lot. Perhaps they bear almost no resemblance to what I actually wrote. The upside is that people would actually have to read my stuff before they could complain!

Evening - Outline

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:56:00 +0000

2009.04.21

I've mad a Faustian deal with myself: I can write a page or so of a new story I'm interested in so long as I first outline two pages! OK, so that's not very Faustian, but it is a way of getting myself to make progress on this story.

2009.02.19

Gaaah! Only managed 2 chapters this time. Furthermore, because I'm lazy, I'm posting the whole outline here.

Page 1
- Introduce Erbert
- Introduce Xema
- Introduce W^3
- Establish Xema as jealous
- Establish Hogwort's & student survival
Page 2
- Introduce Darth Sidious
- Darth Sidious is very unforgiving.
- Introduce Glenda
- Introduce Yog
- Yog is a puddle of slime
Page 3
- Switch from 3rd person to first person (ARGH)
- Yog talks like a valley girl
- Yog's homelife
Page 4
- Yog visits Glenda
- Yog makes Glenda's secretary nervous
- Yog arrives at Darth's class
Page 5
- W^3's class
- Yog meets Erbert
- Xema is jealous
- W3 disposes of Hamster and Grendel
- W3 is fond of disposing of students
Page 6
- Yog looks at the stars
- Yog runs into Erbert
- Are the stars right?
- Aaaand now the punchline: no
- Spoof of MPatHG music bit
- And in comes Xema
- Establish more of a reason for Xema to be jealous
- Establish that Erbert thinks Yog is interesting
- Xema tries to kill Yog
- Establish that Yog is very hard to kill
Page 7 - the Match
- Establish wizards vs. barbarians
- Establish that wizards are getting killed (ooh a pun)
- Establish that the teachers think this is a good thing(tm)
- Ball? There's a ball?
- Yog speaks up and gets sent in.
- Yog can't be killed with a sword
- The barb runs off like a leeeeetle gurl.
- Silly bit: "I'll save you" "OH GOD NO!"
- Yog fries a bunch of barbs and becomes the hero of the day
- Establish that Yog is good with magic
- Establish that Yog is the unoffical class hero
- Establish that Yog is at odds with the teachers
Page 8 - parents day
- Establish that the parents are trying to get rid of the kids
- Yog's parents are glad to see him/her/it
- Glenda is still good
- Erbert's parents are not at all happy that their son has not "graduated."
- Establish another motive for the teachers to do in the students
Page 9 - Exam Cram
- Do good...or else...
- The other students have given up hope
- Yog meets Erbert in the library.
- Establish Erbert as an emo
- Erbert and Yog share an interest in poetry
- Establish that Yog can form extra limbs and eye-stalks
- Aaand Xema catches them
Page 10 - the Field Trip
- The class is visiting a temple
- Idea: Have the students chained together so they can't escape.
- Idea: Give a couple more W3 quotes.
- W3's plan to waste some more students.
- Uncle Astrothoth
- Yog comes upon Xema & Erbert
- Xema discovers a slime's weakness: fire
Page 11 - The Field Trip continued
- Yog fills in Erbert about Uncle Astroth
- Yog and Erbert share a romantic walk
- Slimes don't have spouses, humans can't split...how lonely.
- Erbert tries to kiss Yog and burns his mouth
- Xema is the class hero
Page 12
- Yog worries about how to break it off with Erbert
- Yog visits Glenda for relationship advice
- Glenda swears
- Glenda tries to get Yog out of her office but Yog plays a cheap shot.
- Yog points out that if she lets Erbert down hard, the boy could kill himself.
- Glenda tells Yog to let Erbert down hard.
Page 13 - Heart to Organelle Talk

Yog tells Erbert that she doesn't love him
Erbert tells Yog he doesn't care if she loves him or not
Xema is moving up as a class hero
Erbert fondles Yog

Page 14 - Glenda Formulates a Plan
- Yog visits Glenda again
- Glenda is upset
  - Too many students are surviving
  - She will make history in a bad way if more don't die.
- Glenda tries to get Yog to kill Herb or Xema
- Yog demures
- Glenda hits on the idea of setting Yog up

2009.02.11

And here are another 5 scenes. I'm getting there...slowly but...slowly.

Note that this uses my whacky "pages" which are basically what I write in one day. Each page is supposed to be at least one "manuscript page" or about 250 words.

2009.02.09

I had wanted to start coming up with the outline sooner. I really did. But it's here now, so...whatever.

At any rate, the goal with this is bring some sort of order to the bass-ackwards style of writing that I use. Starting at a very basic level, I am simply writing up what happens in each of the segments that I wrote in preparation to try and make the whole thing cohesive.

Order...to my writing...

Yes friends, this is why I put it off so long.

At any rate, here are the first 5 pages. More to follow soon.

Evening - Author's Notes

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:57:00 +0000

I can't imagine anyone being interested in my creative process, mostly since this would require readers, but I think it might be interesting for me to jot down some thoughts as I go through creating the story.

The big thing that I've taken away from reading comments by Stephen King, Terry Pratchett and others is that it is very important to write something. The idea is that it is at least possible to rewrite or edit a bad section, but it's much harder to do this if you have not written anything.

Thus the subject, a spoof of Twilight, Romance novels and Harry Potter. I really don't care about these genres, although I like the Harry Potter movies. For the most part.

Furthermore, you see the initial cut of the text is a complete mess, with conflicting plot elements, changing point of view from the narrative, etc. The idea was just to write and then edit later.

Evening - Page 15

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:40:00 +0000

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So, like, I guess I've become paranoid.

I've been avoiding Herb as much as I can, since every time I see him he's leering and wearing gloves. Whenever I see Xema her eyes narrow and her nostrils dilate and her teeth grind. The teachers seem like their in a better mood, but I can't shake the feeling that they are plotting behind my...whatever.

Today it seemed like things kicked into high gear when I was slithering from one class to another and a grand piano crashed into the quad a few feet from where I was. I know I'm a student and therefore supposed to be stupid but even I know that if you try to drop a piano on somebody, you don't attach a card to it saying "Hey! I just tried to kill you!"

Besides, Xema wouldn't drop a piano on somebody, she'd just scream and attack with her sword.

Cuz she, like, did that before.

Anyways, later on the remaining students were unusually quiet around me. Then Xema comes stomping up and asks me to explain a picture. A frikkin picture for crying out loud! I mean this is a new low for her.

So I take a look at it and there's this pic of me and Herb doing something that's highly unlikely from a health and anatomical standpoint. I look at her like "duh!" and her face is turning red, her nostrils are dilating and I can tell she's upset.

Then it dawns on me that she might not know about the "facts of life" or whatever you manners or mammers or whatever call them. So I settle in to explain things.

"You see, sometimes there's a male bee and a female bee and they like each other a lot and..."

"You're trying to steal my man!"

"Don't be, like, stupid. I'd never try to take Herb from you."

"Then how do you explain this picture? I've even seen the preliminary drawings!"

"What, do you think we posed for it or something?"

That seemed to give her pause, but she came back with her ultimatum. I guess she had been practicing it and didn't want some detail like the facts getting in the way.

"Alright, that's it! Tonight at midnight, we duel! NO MORE LIES!"

And she stomped off.

So I figure that someone is trying to set me up. Or her up. Or us up. Or just up in general.

I looked around at the kids who had been just hanging out.

"Any of you guys know what's going on?"

Some twerp with the tattoo of lightning bolt on his forehead raised his hand. I nodded at him. Or I would have, if I had a head.

"I think Xema wants to kill you."

"You know, maybe Heartworms has the right idea."

I oozed off to my room to get ready for the duel.

Later that night, I was in this weird area that Xema wanted to duel. It was this rocky path behind the main campus with, like, this sheer drop-off on one side. The trail wound its way down to a valley.

I stood on the end of the path that was more towards the valley while Xema, as I should have known, stood on the part that was higher up.

"It's not too late to talk this out."

"Dieeeee!"

Xema came at me swinging. I wondered whether I should just stand there and take the sword hit, seeing as it wouldn't do squat. Instead, I oozed out of the way at the last moment, and she slipped on the slime trail.

"Argh!"

"Oooh now, this is a disappointment like."

The last bit of dialog had been uttered by none other than Herbert who had just come out from behind a rock. Xema brightened a bit.

"At last! You have come to save me in the nick of time and swear true luuuuuv to me!"

Herbert held up a scrap of paper.

"Actually now, I got this note from Yog"

"Aaaah! I will kill you both!"

"That says we were gonna ave us a bit of fun in the moonlight-like."

I noticed the gloves he wore. For the first time that night I was really afraid.

"But I didn't write you any note."

A blast of flame came between us. I scurried back a bit.

"HA! I have discovered your weakness!"

Xema's thumb was smoking a bit. Unfortunately, it looked like she had been practicing her fire spells.

"Well, are you going to help me defeat Xema then?"

"Nah, given the situation, ah thought ah'd see who wins and then root for er."

Herb may be a total twit, but he's not stupid.

Xema tried to blast me again but I like, jumped away, turning into a ball instead of my usual, spread out self. I hate doing this because it totally looks like I'm a snot-ball, but drastic measures for drastic times.

"Ere now! You look like a snot-ball!"

He should talk, I mean with like, a finger totally up his nose.

I signed, resigning myself to the fact that I was going to have to take Xema out. I won't go all emo, but I don't normally like to do that sort of thing. What's worse, I'd still have to deal with Herb. Maybe I could claim that he got in the field of fire, ya know?

I landed and Xema totally gasped. For a second I thought she was, like, showing proper acknowledgment to my gymnastic skills, but she pointed too, so I guess she saw something else. Since that's like, the oldest trick in the book, I created a quick eye-stalk to check it out while still checking her out, course I don't mean it that way, I mean I guess she's OK for a hu-nan or hemon or whatever you guys call yourselves, but now I've lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah! Xema was trying to kill me! Anyhow, I see like this big, nasty dragon with my other eye-stalk so I figure this one is probably not one of Xema's. I was closest to it and it was doing one of those deep breathing kind of things, so I figured I should get moving. I jumped again and still got a little singed by the flames from the nasty reptile. Well not singed so much as a bit of the slime evaporated, cuz there's like, nothing to really burn on me unless...well that's another story.

I landed near Xema and Herb who was like, clutching Xema with that look of terror that I had come to know and like...know?

"I guess the teachers wanted extra insurance in case we didn't kill each other..."

Xema and Herb looked at me.

"Why would they want any of us dead?"

"Well, I guess there's a real shortage of graduation gowns or something."

The dragon was getting ready to do the flame thing again and the situation was not looking good. The dragon, however, looked pretty happy and was even like, wagging his tail. That gave me an idea and I started doing the mumbo-jumbo thing.

"I hope that's a fire shield!"

Xema yelled as the spell reached its climax. With a hollow "poof" a giant bone appeared before the dragon and started swaying in the air. The dragon immediately lost interest in us and started flapping around, trying to snap up the bone.

"Ere now! He looks loik a big dawg the way ee's playing around."

I looked smug, though I guess you hurm-ans aren't good at reading body-language, when it applies to a slime.

"I figured they had to have given him some training in order to keep him in line."

To the dragon I yelled "Fetch!"

And then I threw the bone off into the distance. The dragon, tail wagging furiously, flew after the thing.

"You saved me!"

"Ere now, she saved me!"

I was now ground zero for the attentions of both Xema and Herb. Unfortunately, both wore gloves so they were able to pick up a bit of me in what I guess is an er...affectionate manner.

"Actually I was trying to save me."

"My-noir point."

"Yeah, you obviously luuuuv me!"

"She luuuuvs me more!"

Now both Xema and Herb were tugging on the bits of slime that they both held. I guess this was better than having Xema try to kill me, but not by much.

"Hey guys, leggo! Don't muss the slime!"

But the two of them kept, like, shouting about how I loved one or the other of them more and stuff. As they shouted at each other they pulled harder until finally I split in two.

"What's all this then?"

Herb held half of me. I was feeling really disoriented what with the whole being in two places at once thing.

"Huh?"

The bit that Xema held was staring at her. I tell you, having two eye-stalks and you'd think that the view from one of them would be OK, but instead I get Xema in one and Herb in the other. Maybe I should switch to echo-location and ditch the eye-stalks entirely.

Xema and Herb looked at each other, then stared at the slimelings they each held.

"Works for me."

"Ah theeenk is fine too."

So that's how I started in with the whole "open relationship" sort of situation. I've that these things don't always work out with you who-nurns, but most of the time there's only one person to share. So I figure there's a better than even chance it'll work out.

As it turned out, I had tossed the bone towards one of the dorms and the dragon was rather upset about the illusion disappearing. Hence the student population was decreased by rather a lot, so the teachers were mollified even if the three of us were in the graduating class.

If this is any indication of what things are like at Heartworms, I can't wait for next year.

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Evening - Page 14

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 04:23:00 +0000

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I guess Glenda had left instructions about me, because the secretary made me wait this time. She seemed all nervous about something and kept glancing up at me. I tried to put her at ease by forming a mouth, I'm getting better at it I swear, but that just seemed to make things worse. She actually got up and left - I mean that's totally rude - but at least that way I could get into Glenda's office.

I figured that if I didn't knock then she couldn't tell me to go away, so I slimed under the door.

Glenda was at her desk doing her palms (humans are weird) because she had her face in her hands, but I know she's never down so it must have been that. Anyhow, I cleared my throat (well, made a gurgling noise) and she looked up at me.

"Oh Yog, it's you."

"Sorry to burst in on you like this, but, well, Herb is getting out of control."

She considered this really seriously, cuz, like, I've never seen her with such a, like, serious face.

"You could kill him."

"Isn't that, like, a bit extreme?"

"Not for Heartworms."

I thought about this for a bit.

"Couldn't you talk to him?"

"If you're just going to kill him anyways, what's the point?"

"I didn't say I was going to kill him!"

I thought I heard her curse under her breath, but I guess that was just my imagination.

"Also Xema is kinda, like, scaring me."

At this Glenda looked hopeful.

"You're going to kill her too?"

"What?"

Glenda signed and leaned back. Her secretary chose that moment to burst in.

"Ms. Headmistress, it looks like Yog ARGH!"

Glenda's secretary dropped some papers and left (ran actually). I helpfully tried to, like, help Glenda pick them up. One of them caught my eye (stalk).

"If we don't do something we'll have the largest graduating class in the history of Heartworms."

I pointed this out to Glenda. It didn't seem to help.

"What exactly did he do to upset you?"

"He...touched me."

"I thought that would make his skin dissolve."

"He had gloves."

"Didn't they dissolve?"

"Not quickly enough."

Glenda sighed and seemed to lapse into thought. Then she had a flash of insight.

"Xema is very jealous and protective!"

"Yeah that's the problem."

"AND she's a sociopath, textbook case!"

"If you say so."

Glenda seemed to be thinking hard and muttering to herself.

"It wouldn't really matter which one died...at least that way we wouldn't make history..."

She looked up as if she had just remembered that I was there and gave me this, like, Herb-ish grin.

"Well, can't bore you to death with my musings! Off you go!"

"But we only just started talking!"

"No, no. I won't take up any more of your time!"

She tried to "poof" me out of her office, but I had been practicing counter-spells.

"You're making very good progress!"

"Yeah, self-preservation."

But Glenda had "poofed" herself out this time.

"Damn."

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Evening - Page 13

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 02:15:00 +0000

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"Herb, I don't love you."

"S'all roight."

"But I don't, k? I mean I don't love you at all."

"So?"

"Well...OK, so you got a point there...What I'm trying to say is get lost."

"Ah, now we're een familiar territory."

This had been the first chance I had to talk to Herbert since the day he had, like burned his lips on me at the temple. We were hiding under a desk because one of W3's lab animals, a big-ass plant this time, had decided to try and eat a few students. Xema had sprang to the defense of the students.

"Have at you, foul plant!"

"Rawr!"

In the weeks since the run-in with my uncle at the temple, she had become a kind of class hero, saving students at every turn. What was strange was that the teachers seemed like they were really disappointed with her. Odd, but it provided the opportunity to talk to Herb.

"So, you're OK with that?"

"Don't bother me."

"Cool."

"We can just be, wassname, funk-burgers?"

"What?"

"You know, just wha, keep it strictly physical?"

"Oh...my...gawd."

Meanwhile Xema had gone on the offensive.

"Take that! And that! And that!"

"My venus flytrap! Nuuuuuu!"

The last bit had come from Ms. McWicked-pants herself. Along with everyone else, Herb and I looked over the tops of the tables to see what had happened.

W3 was kneeling next to her plant, tenderly holding one of its leaves as she bawled like some twit from a Harlaslime romance novel. It looked like Ms. Class Amazon had, like, cut the thing in two.

Xema was standing their in this incredibly egotistical pose, sword in hand, enjoy the adulation of her tools...I mean those lameoids that she had saved.

"Our hero!"

"Yay Xema!"

"I take back most of what I said about you!"

They were actually tossing her up and down in the air; difficult since she had taken to wearing rather revealing armor these days and personally I think she probably weighed a lot even if she was muscular...the tart.

At any rate, between all the other shocks for the day, I felt something weird. Looking down I noticed that there was a gloved hand touching me. Well, it was more like...fondling. I followed the hand to Herb's arm.

"Ah figured out how ah can avoid those nasty burns."

Of all the smiles I've seen, his was the...creepiest. And this includes the one that uncle Shrug-Ziggarat, he-goat with a thousand, nay millions of young, evil that does not wait, blaster of worlds (you get the picture), gave me on my 34512817th birthday.

And I thought I had problems before.

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Evening - Page 12

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 22:15:00 +0000

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The next few days I had wanted to talk to Herbert to explain that, like, we were different species and stuff and that I'm really not into bestiality - not that there's anything wrong with that ya know, but that it's just not my thing. But for one reason or another we didn't run into each other.

I spent time trying to figure out how to break it to him, but I'm like, not the expert on human psychology, ya know? I even tried talking to one of the teachers, at least the only one that seemed to actually care about any of the students, by visiting Glenda the Good's office.

I was in kinda a hurry, so rather than asking for an appointment and then waiting for a week, I oozed onto her secretary's desk and got one within a few minutes. Glenda seemed genuinely pleased to see me, or maybe it's just that I brought a plastic slip-cover for her chair.

"So what can I do for you Ms. Slothoth?"

"I have this...problem."

"Oh? What sort of problem?"

"There's this...boy in my class, like."

Glenda had this knowing look and conversation thing that seemed to go off track when she remembered who I was.

"A boy? And you? Did you eat someone dear?"

"No! No! Nothing like that!"

Glenda's face took on this sort of thoughtful look, not exactly the relieved one that you'd think she would have.

"He...he likes me...like ya know?"

"You...and some human boy?"

"Yeah."

"He...he er...likes you?"

"Yeah."

"Well fuck me."

I was so startled by that phrase that I looked around to see if someone else where there, but it was just me and Glenda, and Glenda had this totally shocked look on her face. She was being totally slow to respond but I just babbled on, sorta glad that I found someone who would at least listen to me.

"But I'm like, not into him, ya know? At least totally not that way, but I don't know how to let him know that it's not a mutual thing, right? So he doesn't get all upset and hang himself...or something."

Glenda was still just sorta sitting there with her tea cup half raised and staring at me. She didn't say anything.

"I was...like hoping that you...you know...being a human being and stuff...might be able to tell me?"

I guess I wasn't using the right body-language, but I tried to make my eye-stalk seem sincere, and I formed a great big, gaping mouth with lots of teeth and had it grin at her.

Glenda's eyes swiveled down and surveyed my new formation, then swiveled back to my eye-stalk. Her tea cup still hadn't moved.

"And you seem like the only teacher here that isn't actively trying to kill the students...ya know, not that Heartworms isn't a great school and everything..."

With a shudder, Glenda seemed to snap out of it and said "Oh my! Look at the time! My next appointment's due!"

"Ms. Good! I need your help with this!"

"I love these little chats we have, drop by next week some time why don't you?"

I was really desperate for advice so I did something that I knew was kinda mean.

"I guess the other parents will understand when their children not only survive Heartworms but end up shacked up with a nice slime like me!"

Glenda froze where she was, in the act of reaching for her magic wand, probably in preparation to "poof" me out of her office. Her eyes started swiveling again and she said "What?"

"I can just imagine how happy Herbert's dad will be when he realizes that yes, Herb is going to make it and that he'll have me to look forward to as a son in law...daughter...whatever."

Glenda sat down in the big chair behind her desk with a muffled "thump" and looked at me. She tried really hard to shift to her usual, smiling manner. The effect was rather unsettling.

"Have you tried pointing out that you two are different species? That...that your people don't even really have...you know ah...erm..."

I wondered which of the two of us even had more sex given how much trouble the word was giving her. Rather than dragging this on any longer I came to her rescue.

"No I haven't pointed this out. The reason why I came to use is to figure out how I can point this out without him dying or Xema disemboweling me."

Glenda's smile became brighter and it looked like she was going to jump in with some anatomical detail.

"You know what I mean."

Her smile faded.

"Well, ah, you could try getting him to uh, notice one of your friends."

"You mean the ones that are still alive?"

"Yes, well, Heartworms has always maintained very high standards."

She shuffled things around on her desk for a bit and then brought her fist down in a very lady-like pounding motion.

"You'll just have to tell him that it's not to be!"

"But what if he..."

"No! No! You must be very firm and assertive, but respectful! Just tell him flat out no!"

I was trying to think this through when she raised her magic wand.

"Yes, that's the only way. Now you really must let me get to my next appointment. Give that a try and let me know how everything works out."

There was a "poof" and I found myself in the corridor outside her office. I noticed that her secretary had locked the door and stuck stuff along the bottom so I couldn't ooze through. I slithered off despondently.

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Evening - Page 11

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 15:23:00 +0000

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So Herb is sitting there looking scared and staring after Xema when he turns to me and is all like

"Do ya think ell be urt?"

"What? Uncle Astrathoth?"

Herb looks all confused and says

"Whot, you know em?"

"He's my uncle."

"Your uncles es a giant slime?"

"Well duh!"

Herb looks at me for a second as if he just noticed that I'm a slime. Hello? I mean like puh-leaze!

"What does ee do when ees not eatin people then?"

"I think he's into stamps and stuff."

"Doisent ee have a woif?"

I rolled my eye-stalk. It's times like this where I wish I like, had another eyestalk on hand to roll too.

"Well, he's like, a slime so he'll never have a wife."

Herb went all emo for a second and then said

"Sounds lonely."

I was about to cut in with another snapping reply, but I sorta stopped to think about that one. In the distance I could hear screams, the occasional "ouch!" from uncle A, and every now and then a "Wooohooo!" from Xema.

"I suppose so."

We walked back over to the altar where W3 was standing with her arms crossed. She ignored us and muttered under her breath. We looked at some stone carvings. It was weird, ya know? I mean like I felt like Herb and I were actually communicating and stuff.

"Well, if one of us feels lonely we can, like, divide in two and talk to ourselves."

"Oh how handee."

"You guys can't?"

"Noi."

"Sounds lonely."

And we just stared at each other. His two watery eyes and my one blood-shot stalk. The flames in the background made his face glow, what with the flickers from people running around. And then he closed his eyes and tried to kiss me! Gross!

"Ow!"

"Oh, watch the slime man! That stuff will burn you!"

"Mph-burned-mph-mouth!"

Herb was holding his mouth with both hands and jumping up and down. I swear he was crying. And then Xema drove poor uncle Astrathoth back into the altar area and then into the pit.

Ole Ms. McSacrifice is turning another shade of green and glaring down the pit.

"You get out here and eat more students!"

"I'm not coming back out while she's there!"

"Get out here right now!"

"You can't make me!"

And Xema is practically frothing at the mouth and her eyes are all scary looking and she's like

"Yeah! Come on out and get some! Whiiiiimp!"

So just then the rest of the class comes shuffling back into the room and they're all like "Yay Xema! Our Heroine!" It must have been like the only time in her life that people were not running from her and screaming. The expression on her face was all, like, shock and stuff, but after a while she started smiling.

Then she notices Herb and me and she like stomp/stalks over to us and grabs one of his hands. She looks like she's about to start some more shit when W3 finally stops sulking.

"That was very...good of you Xema."

Before the class could start cheering again she's all like.

"But we have to be going now! Everyone line up outside!"

Why do we have to use that stupid giant broomstick anyhow?

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Stories

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 05:00:00 +0000

DeathTalker

DeathTalker 2

Tentacle Luuuuv Note rated PG-14 for strong language

Groupthink: the Lighter Side

Posted chapter 5 of Groupthink. Yays!

Evening - Page 10

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 00:41:00 +0000

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Field trips suck.

OK, so we're like doing one of those visits to this temple with W3. It didn't even occur to me that Herb and I would spend any time together (and that would have been just fine by me, really) but during the, like, tour of the place something unexpected happened.

OK, in retrospect, I suppose I should have expected crap like that from Ms. Wicked Witch, I mean I guess she has people like Herb's dad slipping her a few shekels to help students erm…graduate, but personally I think with her it's, like, personal. Anyway, we're walking around the temple and W3 is cackling in her best evil voice with stuff like

"And this, are carvings showing what happened to miscreants like you! Eeeee-hehehehehe!"

Blah, blah, blah. I mean like, after the fourth time, we got the frickin picture! Anyways, she carrying on with "evil this" and "sacrifice that" when we come up to the big altar in the middle of the temple and there's like this big, deep, dark pit behind it. As we come up to it, Ms. Blather is still babbling on:

"And this, my pretties, is where victims were sacrificed!"

Then she glared at everybody and asked a question:

"Can anyone tell me how many people were sacrificed here? No? Well I'll tell you that there are about to be a lot more!"

And then this huge purple amoebic thing came out of the pit and started oozing towards us. The whole class was like "run for your lives!" and stuff.

"Uncle Astrothoth?"

"Yog?"

"Uncle!"

"How's my favorite niece? Nephew? Well, you're certainly filling out…and I like the phosphorous!"

I felt all shy like when your grandmother pinches your mitochondrion and says "ain't it cute!" I really appreciated that he noticed my highlights.

"You like em?"

"I think that…oops! Got a quota here, I'll catch you on the way back!"

I noticed that Ms. I-think-I'll-sacrifice-my-class was stomping over to us and Uncle A schlepped off towards a pocket of frightened students. As she's passing me she says "figures" under her breath.

I hate her.

So I'm trying to interest myself with some of the carvings on the walls and stuff, but it's hard to focus with all the screams and kids running around so I'm just kinda wandering. Every now and then I see Uncle A chasing or eating someone (I never liked them anyways) when I turn a corner and there's Herb and Xema.

OK, I know it's like, childish, but I was so tempted to like, call over Uncle A and get rid of them, but I'm still in my teens (like 13,000 years or so), so I figure I'm allowed. I feel so guilty about what happened next too.

Xema was like, trying to mutter some spell, and she kept trying to do the whole "thumbs up" flick thing while saying stuff like "et lumina!" and after the fifth try I said "don't you mean et flamma?" She glares at me but she says "et flamma" and her thumb gets this flame up and her face lights up. Just then Uncle A is turning a corner going "Muhahahaha!" and stuff and Xema like spits at him.

I mean that's really gross, but like this flame spouts from her mouth and seriously comes close to burning him, and he stops up and is like all "hey!" when Xema lets out this loud "wooohooo" kinda thing and starts chasing him.

to be continued

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Evening - Page 9

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 03:28:00 +0000

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It was exam cram time. Mid-terms. Our class had already lost 7 students and W3 had threatened to execute anyone who failed the test. I was kinda, like, worried; but only a little because I'm not sure that she knows anything that can really hurt me.

But just in case, I decided to study.

I was trying to find someone else in class to study with, ya know, but most of them were useless.

"We're doomed, doomed!"

"But don't you want to study, just in case? I mean there's still, like, a chance you could pass."

"DOOOOOOMED!"

Some of the guys in my class were more practical.

"Like, what are you doing?"

"Ack! Phew! Just you Yog, thought it was Sideous or something."

"Nah, just trying to find someone to study with. Are you trying to build a tunnel?"

"Well, I thought it was more productive than blubbering like Cinderella."

"You have a point there...but, like, there are supposed to be crypts that connect to the basement ya know."

"Nah, that's just a..."

Right then a bit of the floor where Peter was working gave way. A thin, dirty hand shot up through the opening and grabbed one of his legs.

"Aaaaargh!"

I guess that made 8 students we had lost, but I'm not sure if I should chalk that one up to the school or something else.

As I was studying in the library one day, I noticed Herb sitting off in a nook by himself. Looking closer I thought that he seemed much less, like, jumpy than the rest of the class. Almost dreamy, sitting there and staring out the window.

I oozed over to him.

"Hey Herb! Are you studying for the big exams?"

"Eh?"

He squinted at me. I noticed his eyes were kinda red looking and there was a box of Kleenexes next to him.

"The test? You know - the one that WWW threatened to turn people into toads for?"

"Oh, I suppose your roight..."

"What are you reading dood?"

Erb grabbed the books near him and shoved them under the table. I rolled my eye-stalk.

"Ow nothin! Did you wanna study for the exam or wha?"

I oozed onto a chair opposite him and plopped my books down.

"Well I thought we should study for Xener's test first, since he's managed to take out 3 people so far..."

While I had him distracted, I formed another eye-stalk and peeked under the table at the books he had.

"Poetry? We're one week away from certain tests and possible death and you're reading poetry?"

Erb's face had turned red as he ducked under the table and came face-to-eye with me. He grabbed his books and was about to set off in a huff when I chimed in with.

"Besides, how can you read that dreck? You should check out something by Burns or Browning or Frost."

Herbert cocked his head to the side.

"Ooooh now?"

That's how I lost a good two hours of would-be study time. Discussing poetry with Herbert. Sheesh. To top it all off, Xema came by.

"What are you doing with my boyfriend?"

Her voice was like, between a roar and whine. I don't know how Herbert could stand it.

"Oh we were just talking about poetry. Right Erb?"

But Herbert had on his "soulful" look. As a matter of fact, he was soulfully looking at me. He didn't seem to hear Xema.

Xema, for her part, glared down at the pile of books between us.

"All that stuff is for fags!"

She swept all the stuff off the table with her broad-sword, grabbed Herb with her other hand, brought the sword up as if to swing at me, thought better of it and stormed off.

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Evening - Page 8

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 19:16:00 +0000

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I guess the idea behind Parent's Day is for the parents to, like, see their children...ya know? The odd thing was that the parents that seemed like the happiest were the ones whose kids had died. They were shaking hands with the teachers and smiling, whereas the ones whose children had made it were scowling and stuff.

At least my parents were happy to see me. Dad had split in two for the occasion so both Mom and Dad were there!

"Who's my leeeetle slime-ums?" Asked Mom.

"Hero of the Heart-v-U game!" Proclaimed Dad.

I formed a mouth and grinned happily as they smothered me. After we had, like, gotten things straight again we talking about school and stuff when there was this flash of light and Glenda the Good appeared.

"Oh hello Mr. Slime; I mean Ms. Slime! Er...Slime..."

Ms. always smiling's face dropped a stitch and she looked down.

"Um...sorry to be ah...standing in you. Your-child-is-doing-very-well-oh-look-I-have-to-go!"

At least Glenda didn't stay long.

I was so glad my roomie wasn’t around to see the whole thing (she had bought it in biology when Prof. Xenerside had neglected to mention that the insects we were messing with were very poisonous), and my parents had brought some extra acids, bases and some worshipper casserole (they don't make it the same at Heartworms…actually they don't, like, make it here at all), so I put all the stuff away after Mom & Dad fused back together and headed off.

I was like, oozing around the hallways, not because I was all happy from seeing my parents cuz that would be, like totally immature, when I passed Prof. Sideous's room. He was in talking with Herbert's parents.

"And I want to congratulate you on my son's recent ah…'graduation' from Heartwords."

I couldda sworn that 'Erb's dad slipped the wizened old creep some money.

"Ah...hehehe...it was nothing." Darth Sideous made the money smoothly disappear.

"Oh! Don't worry Mr...ah...Herbert's Dad! Herb's fine!"

Herbert's father turned abruptly towards me. Darth's eyes, more slowly, swiveled to where I was.

"I...I just saw him..." One nice thing to being a slime is that in these situations I don't have to worry about whether you non-slimies can read my expression. Herb's father glared at Darth.

"Is this true?"

"I can assure you that Herbert will graduate on schedule...along with anyone else who warrants such an honor."

His last statement was made through gritted teeth as the teachers eyes blazed under his hood.

I couldn't figure out what the problem was with these two, but I decided that I should move along.

"I guess I'll just be moving on now..."

I had only just oozed out of the doorway when a blast of eldritch, like, power flashed through the door and blasted the wall behind it. I guess Darth wanted to show off his skill. There followed some angry sounding whispers.

No offense, but sometimes you upright types are weird.

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Evening - Page 7

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 12:19:00 +0000

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"Bend your knees this time!" shouted Dr. Finkelsteen, the teacher for Alchemy. The other teachers burst into laughter, chortling and slapping the man on the back.

Down on the field, Phew, a first year student from some backwater, dove wildly to the left, barely avoiding a cut from a large thug of a barbarian. Some chap named Pippin or some such was groveling before another warrior, begging for his life.

"Die Wizard!"

"Argh!"

Watching all this I turned to Mr. Makekithart, our Phys-Ed teacher.

"Are you sure that wasn't like, you know, a foul or something?"

Makekithart looked at me with, like, this weird grin on his face and a look in his eye and said: "Whaaa?"

Herbert, a look of abject terror on his face, was clutching Xema with a death grip as he watched the players on the field.

"Aieeee!"

"But the ball's that way!"

"Ball? What babble is this, mage?"

I was standing on the sidelines with the rest of my terrorized classmates as the rest of our class was variously beaten, pummeled or eviscerated. The teachers had been like all pumped about the annual football game between Heartworms and Barb-U (that's short for Barbarian University), but this really sucked.

"Isn't there supposed to be like a referee or something?" I asked Mr. Makekithart. He just laughed until his big fat face turned red and he yelled up to the stands where the other teachers were.

"One of the students (bwahahaha!) wants to know where the (gasp, wheeze) referees are! Haw! Haw! Haw!"

All the twits up in the stands started laughing and doubling over again. Over all hilarity the shrill voice of W3 came in with an ear-splitting cackle.

"Why don't you send her into the game to find them! Heeeehehehehehaw!"

The other teachers were like, giving her high-fives and stuff. Mr. Makekithart also seemed to think this was a great idea. The other students on the sidelines were also enthused about it. No pressure.

"You go out there and make us proud!"

I looked around at the rest of the students who seemed to have grabbed onto this idea like their lives depended on it.

"But…but I'll get my ectoplasm dirty!"

Without touching me, Makekithart was trying to urge me onto the field.

"Oh don't be such a baby!"

The sideline seemed like the edge of a cliff.

"But I don't know how to play!"

"You'll figured it out soon enough, now off you go!"

Mr. Makekithart turned and ran like there was a barbarian chasing after him. I turned my eye-stalk and saw that indeed there was a large barbarian heading right towards me.

"Die hellspawn!"

The big lug raised a sword and drove it through my cell wall. It stuck in the ground and started dissolving.

"My…my sword! You shall pay for this fiend!"

"Why? How much was it?"

"Do not attempt to escape from my wrath by bewitching me!"

The guy dove at me and let me tell you, he had some serious body odor. The idiot managed to jam his face right into a vacuole filled with my, like, digestive enzymes. Before I could do anything, he screamed, jumped up and ran away.

Further on down the field was a classmate who had seen better days.

"Help me! Help me!"

"I'll be right there!" I called reassuringly as I oozed in his direction.

"HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LET THAT THING EAT ME!"

I totally couldn't figure out what he was babbling about: I hadn't seen anyone on either team eat anyone else, but before I could reach him a gang of barbarians, probably the friends of that other twerp can running up towards me.

"That's the one that ate Gonad's face! Kill it!"

There were more yells of "Dieeee!" and other stupid stuff, but one benefit of being a spawn of the oldie ones is knowing how to put upstart mammals in their place.

+0+4L p0wn4ge!

The ground under them erupted in fire. They ran off screaming like little girls. Jerks.

The kid I had been trying to help had managed to crawl off to the sidelines, while those pussy barbarians seemed to encourage the rest of their gang to head for the hills.

All the kids on the sidelines were really like "You go slime!" and "Who bad? We bad!" and stuff, though the teachers didn't seem as in to it. I swear they looked disappointed.

My class tried to carry me around on their shoulders, but I tended to ooze through them, so they just settled on cheering for me. Except Xema. She had wanted to play.

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Evening - Page 6

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:09:00 +0000

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So I'm totally, like, out there with my telescope looking at the stars cuz, like you know, Dad (Mom?) is always like "Your Grandfather Cthulululu will return when the stars are right!"

One time when she (he?) said that whole bit I was, like, "so what happens when Grandpa gets back?"

"Then, then my slime, we shall rule the world!!!"

"Why do you want to do that?"

Then dad looked kind of nervous and starts sliming back and forth.

"We...we will be able to overthrow the kingdoms of man and have all the worshippers we want to eat!"

I was about to ask him why he would want that, cuz, like he can't keep the toilet of evil from overflowing, so what would he do with an entire planet, but right at moment he was all, "Got to go to work! Now you be evil!"

So I think that whole biz is a line of crap. But I still go out and look. The only problem is that he never said what the stars are supposed to look like when they are right.

Anyways, so I'm all out there with my telescope, looking up at the stars when Herbert comes blundering through and trips on my tripod.

"Ere now!"

He falls over everything and knocks my stuff down just when I had set everything up so nicely. I was going to ask him what he was doing out here in the middle of the night but then, if I had that hellspawn Xema for a girlfriend, I'd be trying to get away from her every chance I had too.

"Oh, just looking at the stars..."

Herbert turned and squinted upwards.

"Whots there to lookit?"

"I'm trying to figure out whether they're right."

"Roight for what?"

I considered trying to explain the whole Grandpa bit to him.

"Oh, just generally right I guess."

Herbert considered this for a bit and then looked back up at the stars.

"No."

"What?"

"You wanta see if the staars are roight? Near as ah can tell they say nu."

I gazed at Herbert and wondered if Heartworms would miss one student.

"How can you tell?"

Herbert pointed at a region of the sky. Sure enough, "No" was spelled out in fiery letters.

"Oh…wonder why I never noticed before."

I absent mindedly started to gather up my telescope.

"You know, lookin at you in the moonlight n' all, you look different..."

I got all, like, excited for a sec, cuz I had put some new phosphorescent stuff in the ole cytoplasm today.

"Is it the glowie bits?"

"Niaye...sits more a general, something"

It seemed like I heard an orchestra, or at least a piano starting up in the background, but it all kinda like stopped when...

"There you are! What are you doing with Alex?"

The girl-fiend herself had put in an appearance. Herbert looked over in a puzzled kind of way.

"Erbert."

"Whatever!"

She glared at me so hard I wondered if the rocks were starting to smolder.

"Chill-out man! Goth-boy and I were just talking."

"In the middle of the night?"

"I was looking at the stars!"

Xema glanced accusingly up at them. Herbert held up a broken telescope that he had fallen on.

"My telescope!"

I oozed over to Herbert and cradled it in my arms...psuedopods...whatever, but flubbed it and ended up with Herbert in my...you know.

"ARGH!"

Xema was literally frothing at the mouth by now. I dropped Herbert.

"Owww!"

"Die you slut!"

With a loud clang Xema's sword went clear through my body, the telescope I had been holding, and a good way into the rock beneath it. There are ways to kill a giant amoeba, but hacking at them with a sword ain't one of them. Twit.

"Great, just great. What else can go wrong tonight."

In the mean time, Xema was trying to get her sword free from the rock where it was stuck.

"Just…wait…till…I...get…this…"

With a look of disgust I left the two of them up on the crag. And the scope had been a present from Mom! Or Dad...whatever.

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Evening - Page 5

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 23:35:00 +0000

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So, like, today we were supposed to dissect a pig in W3's class today. "W3" is shorthand for "Wicked Witch of the West" that this totally weird-ass teacher insists on calling herself.

She is, like, a complete freak! She's always wearing this dumpy, black dress with this weird, wide-brimmed hat and she wears like this totally vomit colored makeup on her face. She never answers a question without screeching and she's always babbling on about how she'll "get you and your little dog too!"

Incidentally, I am not vomit green I'm more of a festive lime. Just so you know.

To add to the whole weirdness, I was paired up with Herbert, Xema's boyfriend. Xema is also a total freak because she seemed to think that I was going to like take her boyfriend! I'm like "Hello! Wrong species here!" I mean we're not even like the same Kingdom, so where does she come off with her whole attitude?

Mind you, I see why she likes him: unlike most of the other boys Herbert is a nice pasty white, and he seems slimier than most of the other guys. Even so, it's still so, like, eeeeeew!

Herbert, on the other pseudo-pod, was fairly nice. I mean, if it were mean I would be happy just to get away from that hellfiend for five minutes. I mean I've known some fairly nice hell spawn in my time, especially those dudes from Yugoslavia or Yucatan or Yoggoth or something. I mean for fungus, they have total style.

Anyway, Herbert was totally deferring to my superior skill in lab matters. He kept saying things like "ah don't wanna touch that." and "Why donchu take care of this bit?" I also caught him staring at me which I totally understand since that day I had enough time to put some bits in the protoplasm. I think that may be why Xema is so jealous. She wishes she had my cilia.

The other students in the class are complete putzs. They were all like "shouldn't these things be dead?" and "aren't we gonna get blood on everything?" But W3 just kept doing this long, drawn-out screeching laugh whenever anyone complained. Except for these two freak kids who are like, brother and sister, but they totally like, insist on doing everything together!

When they spoke up, W3 took a hard look at them and then said they could clean out her cabinets instead. So Hamster and Grendal went up to the head of the class and got in the thing, which if you asked me looks pretty weird for a cabinet, what with all the dials and stuff on the top of it, and started working. Then W3 slams closed the door and let's rip with another total freak laugh.

Teacher's pets.

One nice thing about the whole situation was that, at the end of class, I got to eat all the pigs! I think that made Xema more jealous because right after the bell rings she comes storming up, grabs Herbert, who says "Nice to have met you Yaaaaoooog!" as she's dragging him off. I was right in the middle of eating a pig or I would have said something. I swear that girl is just jealous of me.

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Evening - Page 4

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:49:00 +0000

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Later on I found out that you usually don't get to see the head mistress as quickly as I did.

On the morning I oozed into her outer office, her secretary gave a little yelp and jumped up on her chair. Trying to put her at ease, I formed a mouth and smiled at her and said "hello." This was one of my earlier attempts so the mouth may have been a little off.

The secretary was glancing about like something in a trap when she looked at her desk and said "are you Cthulu-rck-yog-slogothothoth?"

I told her that it was pronounced "Cthulu-rck-yog-slothoth" and she seemed to calm down a little bit. She picked up a piece of paper and tried to write something but her hand kept shaking. Finally she just said something about "the head mistress will see you now!" and opened the door to the inner office.

It was weird. She didn't introduce me, she just opened the door and shooed me inside.

Glenda the Good, the Good Witch of the West, was much more at ease. She beamed nicely at me as if she had been expecting me and bade me take a seat. I did. It started dissolving. Glenda's smile seemed to lose a bit of warmth.

We talked for a little bit about Heartworms and how I would be in staying in some dorm named "The Plains of Woe." The chair collapsed.

I felt so bad! I mean first day and I'm already screwing up! But Glenda was more than gracious about it and said that it was no trouble at all. In fact she seemed to think that it was very important that I get to my first class right that moment. Rather than just walking she blinked us to the room.

I'll say one thing for you humans, some of you do have a knack for magic. When we appeared some old fart was blasting one of his students. Very good control of the arcane, I must say.

Then came the moment I was dreading.

I had hoped that I would have some time to dye my cytoplasm or put in some phosphorescent bits or something but she just threw me at the class. Gawd I was so embarrassed.

And I could tell that they all thought I was a total putz! When I waved and hastily threw together an eye-stalk they all drew back like "eeeeew! It didn't even wash it's cytoplasm!" Even the instructor drew back. I was so crushed. When the teacher told me to take a chair everyone was like "Get away from me you freak! That look is so 300,000 years ago!"

The only person who even tried to make me feel welcome was some chick wearing a bikini (is that normal? Personally I thought she looked cool) who kept staring at me. I wonder if maybe she could help me catch up with the homework for this place.

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Evening - Page 3

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:23:00 +0000

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I wanted to make this an angsty, teenage, melodramatic romantic spoof. The first two pages were written from a 1st person perspective whereas angsty, etc. stories must always be told from the first person!

I read that in a book, so it must be true. Alright; it was a web page, but still...

Anyhow, I wanted to give 1st person a try here are the results so far:

When my mom (or was it dad? I mean, when you're a slime, well, whatever) came in and announced that I had been accepted at Heartworms, I was really excited until I realized that I would be leaving all my friends and that all these other slimes (err...kids?) might not like me and stuff so I burst into tears and oozed out of the room.

Maybe I should start again.

I was really depressed when my...parent told me that I was going off to AU (even though the name of the place is Heartworms, I mean the place isn't really evil, like, you know, but the name is historic and stuff dating back a little bit, well it's a little bit to us since we've been around like, millions of years, ya know?). This was, cuz, stuff, like, you know. Things.

Sigh...

My first day at Heartworms went OK, though I was really nervous. For some weird reason I had arrived a few days late, for which I totally blame my mom! She kept oozing over me and saying stuff like "my little slime!" and then we would get all mixed up and it would take, like, half an hour to get all the pseudo pods and organelles sorted out...

Yeah, pseudo pods...slimes...I guess I should start there.

I'm this young example of a culture that started in a pool and went bravely onwards for 50 jillion years! OK, we're not 50 jillion years old, but we, the slimes, have been around for a long time. I mean I haven't been around all that time exactly, cuz you see, we slimes don't have moms and dads like you weirdo ventalors or vertibrators or whatever you call yourselves. We have always known what the right cytoplasm is and make sure we just stick with that.

Not that I hold that against you guys. Especially if you are reading this. And paid for it first. Cuz I need money for clothes since they keep dissolving on me.

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Evening - Page 2

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:28:00 +0000

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The students of Demonology and Applied Sciences shuffled into the dark, tomb-like confines of the classroom. The instructor, a dark and mysterious instructor who went by the name of "Darth Sideous" (for some reason he eschewed the title of "professor"), sat in a large, throne-like chair on a dais in front of the students.

Even Xema was rather subdued in the presence of the silent and watchful teacher. Herbert settled into the desk next to her with only one muffled "ouch" when he hit his shin on a leg.

A bell rang somewhere and Sideous rose to his feet, speaking in a low but penetrating voice.

"The first thing you must know about demonology is the need to be exacting."

A rather pudgy youngster bustled into the room and attempted to get to his seat.

"You're late!"

The young man froze, his eyes swiveling to meet the dark robed teacher.

"Please sir! It was just a minute – it wont happen again!"

Darth Sideous regarded him from beneath the cowl of his robes.

"Well, you're right about one thing…"

Blue bolts of eldritch power flashed from the teachers hands like miniature lightning bolts to enfold the would-be truant. The child was lifted off the ground and thrown against a wall, which he remained stuck to, like some insect on an examining table.

"You shall pay for this lack of forsight!"

Darth Sideous was, by now, cackling with evil delight as his bolts of energy drew cries of pain from the unfortunate.

Just then, a flash of light appeared next to the throne that the dark professor had been sitting in. A smiling woman, looking like some prom queen in a white dress and bearing a wand with a star on it's end, materialized and smiled benignly at the class.

"Professor Sideous."

The dark instructor was too enthralled with what he was doing and kept zapping his student.

"Sideous!"

Darth Sideous turned about to glare at the new arrival. The boy he had been zapping fell from the wall and crumpled on the ground.

"Oh, Glenda…"

Glenda, the good witch of the West, beamed happily and made her announcement.

"Class, we have a new arrival: this is our new transfer student from Ray-yuck!"

The students in the demonology class glanced about uncertainly, but could not make out the new class member. Even Darth Sideous looked around, sneering slightly as he did so. Glenda's smile took on a forced quality as she turned and spoke to something in the shadows behind her.

"Oh don't be shy now. Class this is Cthulu-rck-yog-slothoth!"

A greenish puddle of slime shuffled out from behind Glenda, formed a single hairy eye-stalk and regarded the students. Even Darth Sideous seemed a bit taken aback.

"Headmistress, are you sure that…"

But Glenda cut him off, speaking rather loudly and quickly.

"Now I'm counting on all of you to make him feel welcome. I must be going, toodle-loo!"

With a white flash, the Good Witch disappeared. Darth Sideous considered the new student.

"You can take Pudley's desk."

The teacher pointed to desk recently vacated by the unfortunate late student. Yog-Slothoth bubbled in it's direction. The students along the route took their feet off the floor.

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Evening - Main Page

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 03:36:00 +0000

This is the main page for the short story, Evening, which is a kind of parody of angsty, teenage high school movies in general and the movie Twilight in particular.

Evening - Introduction

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 03:24:00 +0000

Well, it's been a long time since I wrote.

Many people think this is a good thing, but I said I would write something as a Christmas present. Mind you, this is for a very bad person...

At any rate, I'm posting this one page at a time, to try and motivate myself to keep writing. All this is raw stuff as in not even first draft. If you see really sad writing, just remember that it will all be fixed in the rewrite...honest...absolutely.

The story parodies the movie Twilight, in that it is supposed to be full of luuuuuv, annoying angst, rationalized feelings and all sorts of cliches. I'm also aiming at the Harry Potter movies, but that one is currently a plot device to get the characters into a weird sort of high school.

Sit back, relax and enjoy reading.

Avoid gnomes.

Evening - page 1

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 03:16:00 +0000

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The first time I saw her I knew I was in trouble.

She was tall about six feet, yet she moved with none of the awkwardness that I would have thought someone newly come into height would have had. Her body was firm and tanned, a fact which was hard to miss given that she had a habit of wearing a bikini to school. Her dark straight hair reached her shoulders and framed a face that filled the world with light when she smiled.

She wasn't smiling now.

"Get your hands off my man!"

All conversation ceased and an aisle of people formed between Xema, her rival, and her erstwhile boyfriend. Heather, a cute blonde girl with a dimpled smile, suddenly found herself the center of attention.

"But all I did was say hello!"

"You may have only been saying..."

With that Xema's eyes literally seemed to catch on fire as her gaze bore down on her prey. From her lips came fell in an echoing, otherworldly voice.

bcctr flrndebits crxor!

With a soul-rending scream, Heather dropped her books and burst into flames. She dropped to her knees, her flesh quickly consumed by the green-blue hellfire.

"Oh hello Heather ow've you..."

Xema's boyfriend, a short sickly lad named Herbert, turned around and frowned. As was his habit, he stared down his nose through a pair of small spectacles which caused him to raise his nose at whoever he was addressing. This mannerism gave the impression that he thought he was better than those around him; which, as a point of fact, he did.

Finally locating the smoldering black skeleton in front of him he remarked.

"You're looking rather thin this semester 'eather."

Before he could consider the matter further, Xema had strode forward and dragged him off with instructions that the she should avoid such "sluts" in the future.

With a cackling evil laugh, a stooped, elderly green skinned lady appeared in a cloud of smoke. The headmistress, the Bad Witch of the North, had arrived.

"What's all this then? What's going on?"

She glared at the circle of shrinking students as if each one of them had been the cause of the recent disturbance.

"Ma'm"

A little blonde girl in a red hood and cloak timidly stepped forward and curtsied.

"Xema torched Heather because she thought she was flirting with her boyfriend."

The headmistress considered this for a second.

"First day and we've already lost one student. This is going to be a good year!"

With another flash and cloud of smoke the witch disappeared again.

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GroupThink: the Lighter Side - Chapter 7

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:44:00 +0000

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Year Minus 5

“So how do you know that these guys exist again?”

August Hanson shifted uneasily in his chair. The director of operations was staring at him like he expected him to proclaim himself Napoleon. As it was, he could kiss his career in the Bureau goodbye.

“The impossible level of coordination between individuals in the colony sir.”

“Riiiight. So basically, these people are working together?”

“Not just working together, Sir, they are anticipating needs, pooling resources and communicating with other colonies elsewhere in the nation, perhaps even the world.”

Robert Muller leaned back in his chair and looked at August.

“A world-wide conspiracy?”

“Possibly, sir, but at present I’m only concerned with the United States.”

His face expressionless, Muller raised a questioning eyebrow at Thomas Pickard, the deputy director. “Captain Pickard,” as only someone who outranked him would address him, gave a very slight shake of his head.

“And aside from this very high level of coordination, what do you think has demonstrated their intent?"

Augie tried to look the Director in the eye. He hoped he wasn’t sweating.

“None sir. But the point is that no one ever shows this level of coordination for prolonged periods of time. Not even religious fanatic groups! And I’ve found 3 colonies already!”

“Well, are they engaging in some sort of terrorist or criminal activities? Could we bring some of them in on other charges for questioning?"

“Not that I’ve been able to witness or determine after the fact…”

“In fact the level of crime in these “colonies” has dropped dramatically since they moved in, right?”

“Yes that’s quite correct, but the thing is that the original residents were not pushed out! They were assimilated into the colony. That’s how it seems to grow.

“OK, well, it sounds like you laid the ground work for an investigation to proceed with. At this point I’d like to confer with Pat, figure out what the options are, what resources we have available, that sort of thing. Then a plan can be created to deal with this…thing. How about if you go back and organize your information, check your sources in preparation for the next stage.”

Mr. Muller did have a nice way with people, particularly Bureau people, that could make them feel like they were marching off on a critical mission instead of, say, being nudged out of an office while some people could figure out what to do with him.

As the door clicked shut, a bit of pressure left the room as well. Muller regarded Pickard in a friendlier manner.

“So what do we have here, Captain? Romulans trying to invade Walmarts?”

Pickard winced at Muller’s statement but rallied. “Well, one thing that Hanson didn’t get to was the potential for such communities to hide fugitives. We know about Attica…”

“Yeah, 1200 people, convicts, guards, the whole bunch disappear. One of the groups Augie describes would be a perfect place for them to go, but why? A lot of them were pretty nasty guys. Why would a community want to have anything to do with rapists, armed robbers, convicted murderers and drug dealers?”

“It make no sense, I think he’s gone off on a long and expensive tangent. At best we have some people who are trying to clean up their neighborhood. At worst we have another “commune” style approach to urban living.”

“What about Mr. Hanson?”

Pickard looked down at his hands.

“When he started at the Bureau he was bright, eager to get his career moving, you know the type, and above all, sane. I’m afraid that this investigation may have been too much for him. I’m considering putting him on some boring routine project and see how he progresses.”

“What about making him the F B eye for these groups?”

“I’d be nervous with that. He has not shown any…odd behavior outside of his interest in this case. Giving him more exposure could exacerbate the problem. On the other hand, he is good at spotting these groups, so if we really do want to keep an eye on them he would be very useful.”

Rob and Thom got up.

“We need to know if this Augie guy is going to be someone to nurture or someone to discard. I’m leaving it up to you to decide.”

“I see.”

* * *

Augie walked back to his “office.” Lately, the FBI had borrowed from the corporate world and inflicted cubicles on its employees instead of the more traditional offices. In fact, to increase efficiency, Augie actually shared a cube with…

“Mulder!”

“Hi Scott.”

Scott Slaughter, or “Dr. Slaughter” as people sometimes called him was a person who appeared to much more of a Bureau man than Augie was. He had taken to comparing August with Fox Mulder from “The X-Files” lately. Against all expectations, the two were actually friends.

“So how’d the meeting with Capt. Picard go?”

August sighed.

“Remember when we rehearsed it?”

“That bad eh?”

“Worse.”

“Augie, Augie, Augie. I warned you that this was a bad idea…”

“I know.”

“…and that this investigation of yours is a waste of time and taxpayer money…”

“I know.”

“…and that if you want to rise up in the ranks you need to do something that is going to make them look good and that all this does is make you look crazy.”

“I know.”

“What were you thinking?!”

Augie paused and frowned.

“I don’t know.”

“Well look. What say you put this little X-File behind you and get crunching on something real? Take those Iraqi refugees…”

“We already looked into them. They’re just a bunch of slobs who fled the country and are trying to get by.”

“Yeah, but the point it that they barely speak English, go to mosque 3 times a day, listen to a cleric that is borderline, and people around them have heard them voice anti-American statements.”

“They’re just frustrated because they thought America would be some paradise and it turns out that things aren’t quite that simple.”

“That’s beside the point. We’ve received word from on high that we need to be more proactive in our approach to counter-terrorism. Rounding up these guys and detaining them in a nice, public way will send a message to the rest and make your boss look good.”

August had to admit that Scott had a point. Augie didn’t have any good leads to follow up, so doing that would show that he wasn’t just following wild goose chases.

“Hey man, it’s almost quitting time. Let’s head down to Grand Slam, have a few beers, talk this over…”

“You could hit on that new assistant.”

Scott clapped him on the back.

“That’s the spirit.”

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GroupThink: the Lighter Side - Chapter 6

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 21:48:00 +0000

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Year 10, Month 12

I can't believe this!

200 men fidgeted nervously.

Eventually the Coalition realized it was doing this and tried to tell itself to relax.

The group stopped fidgeting, but nonetheless appeared nervous.

After months of planning and preparation, the Coalition's plans of "relocation" were finally ready. Everything was in place and ready to go. And it was hesitating. At the last moment.

Just get on the damn bus!

But what if this doesn't work?

What if we get stuck in a lab?

Are you sure we can't just stay here?

Look, we've been over this before. If we stay here and do nothing someone is bound to notice! If nobody else, the families of your victims will notice.

Except for me.

Right, except for Fred.

Because I was wrongly accused.

Right, who was wrongly accused.

And who spent the last 10 years of my life…

SHUT UP!

The Coalition tried to count to 10, then noticed that everyone was counting.

Really, it couldn't blame them; if for no other reason than it literally felt their fear, their dread of what would happen if things went wrong.

Look, guys, we need to either go or scrap this. Everything depends on following the plan.

The men shuffled around nervously.

I don't want to go back on the drugs.

And I don't want to have to deal with that stupid gang.

And I don't want to get beaten up all the time.

The list went on and on...a list of misery and suffering that spanned the range of human experience. Many of them had more doubts and more problems than your average person, hence their current abode. But it all boiled down to one thing.

I'm scared too.

What? Huh? What did he say? Is it really a he?

I've only been alive for a few months. I don't want to die either.

The response was a stone cold silence.

But if we stay, we'll all die. Not literally I guess. But we won't be able to stay together. We'll have to go back to the gangs and drugs and the killings…it's not going to stop, not unless we do something. We can't stay straight, not if they break us apart and they'll never trust us.

Believe me guys, I don't want to do this. If there were any other way, we'd use it, but there just isn't anything else.

With a great deal of hesitation the men started getting on the buses. As each one left, the Coalition could feel a little more of itself slip away. The distance between them was just too great – it couldn't hear everyone when they were that far away.

It was almost funny. It wasn't afraid of getting caught in the conventional sense. The Coalition knew that it could deal with any one person or even a group of people with ease; but only if it could think, if it could hear everyone, if everyone could hear its voice.

When it traveled like this – separate, unable to think, it was vulnerable. The only good point was that it was like falling asleep: slow, gradual. You could only be aware of it if you were really watching.

The Coalition was so busy calming its people, trying to assure them that the plan would work, that it couldn't concentrate on "staying awake."

When enough people had left that its consciousness had disappeared, some panicked. It was like drowning in silence. The ones that were left ran for the buses and piled aboard, trying to catch up.

Thankfully, none of this was apparent to anyone else. The men had time to calm down. They were still scared, but at least they weren't panicking. They weren't mobbing the buses, but there was a definite sense of urgency to get moving.

Weird flashes of "semi-consciousness" would appear and disappear, like someone waking up in the night and going back to sleep. These were punctuated by moments of fear: would the plan work? What if they couldn't regroup? What if someone mobilized the National Guard? The sense of urgency became more …urgent as the last few buses left.

* * *

Yahoooo!

This is killer!

Hey - check this out!

It had been 2 weeks since the Coalition arrived in the city, and in that time, it had gone completely berserk.

The place was like some mental version of a drug – so many minds, so many different minds! He had been inducting new members faster than ever before. And there were so many to choose from, so much to learn. Musicians, politicians, homeless, rich, poor, students, teachers, addicted, clean – it was like a smorgasbord of thought, feeling, experience.

Travel had been very disconcerting.

As planned, the men arrived and gradually consciousness returned to the Coalition. Things had been dicey at first – some of them had panicked and run off. Others milled about in groups large enough to draw attention. It had taken a full day to get everyone back together and settled in.

Finding a place to stay had been laughably easy. Abandoned buildings were common enough. The problem was dealing with local gangs, derelicts and others.

With its encyclopedia-like knowledge of all things criminal and the months of preparation, The People were quickly housed. By "concentrating" on a few key gang members, it was relatively easy to bring them into the Coalition and thereby bring the gangs under control. After that, The People had a place to stay and a modest source of income.

Plenty of places had crappy, low paying jobs where few questions were asked. The Coalition was very good at managing money and combined with no-rent housing and rather boring but cheap and nourishing food, its expenses were few. The People spent the time repairing their new place of residence and getting basic necessities back up and running.

By that time, new members had started being "recruited" on their own.

Inducting women into the Coalition had come as a shock. It wasn't that they were different the strange part had been how similar they were. Different thoughts and emphasis but still basically the same basic drives, needs and desires as men.

The Coalition's background being what it was, it had a rather strange view of the opposite sex. The more normal members viewed them as more people, while the "socially challenged" people viewed them with fury, anger and disgust.

How do you stay angry at someone, though, when you can feel their thoughts? The basis for much of the anger was founded on their being a difference between someone else and you. What do you do when you see their insecurities, drives and needs mirrored by your own?

Marla had been the first woman inductee, and had gone largely unnoticed until the Coalition was making another plan for purchasing supplies.

Rice: check

Beans: check

Spiderman band-aids: check

Sanitary napkins: what?!!

It was like a gigantic eyeball swerved to examine her.

Whoa…

Check it out.

Who brought her in?

Umm…hi, guys…

What are we gonna do with her?

It is an odd feeling to be, at the same time, the subject of scrutiny and the examiner. Questions unbidden surfaced and were answered. A mental hush settled on the consciousness of Coalition. Then came the equivalent of a shrug.

Sanitary napkins: check.

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GroupThink: the Lighter Side - Chapter 5

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 20:20:00 +0000

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“Would you please tell me what’s going on?”

Ed glanced over at his wife, Mary, as they left town. The last few hours had been hectic, throwing some things into the car, grabbing Mary from work and heading out of town. The whole time, Ed had felt the “eye” of the Coalition watching him. Some of the inmates had even given him helpful tips:

Don’t forget your toothbrush!

Oh, thanks, …get out of my head!

Sorry.

Now, as he put miles between himself and Attica, the voice seemed to be slowly fading.

But what should he tell Mary? “Hey Mar: there’s this weird mind-control thing going on at the prison so I thought I’d leave before…no.” How about “you know how in ‘Planet of the Apes’ there were these guys would could control minds so…no.”

They stopped for some gas and Ed used the restroom. He looked in the mirror, trying to figure out what to say. Thinking back, he recalled a time when he had to tell a girl whom you had actually hit it off with that he had to leave. It was a sad time, when they had decided to rescind his parole.

Abruptly Ed realized that it was not his memory.

Ed left the gas station and kept driving. Mary seemed to have resigned herself to whatever Ed was doing and kept staring blankly out the window as they drove through the night.

Ed woke up the next day and sat bolt upright. Mary stirred next to him and rubbed her eyes. Looking blearily at him she said:

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I hear nothing.”

“Wonderful.”

“Don’t you see? It’s back to the way it was!”

“What was it like before?”

“About the same.”

Mary gave him a “well…he’s my jerk” look and went to the bathroom. Ed looked around and tried to put his finger on what the difference was, but it eluded him. He tried “remembering” the foreign thought he had last night, but failed. He tried “calling” on the voice but could not hear anything. Ed was on the verge of dancing when Mary came back in the room.

“Why are you so happy?”

“I’m free!”

“Great. Now what do we do?”

Ed’s mouth dropped. A good question. Hundreds of miles from their home, no job…not a good situation.

Back at Attica, the Coalition was pondering its next move.

If that is how non-convicts react to us, we are going to be in trouble soon.

Just then another person joined. The Coalition gave the mental equivalent of a hand wave.

The possibility that Ed might tell the police did not concern the Coalition – it was rather amusing to think of poor Ed running around telling people about “the voices in my head.” What did concern it was having members arrive and leave by the hundreds. If things kept up the way they were going, all 2000+ inmates would be Coalition in 12 months. There would simply be no way to avoid the problem if it came to that.

What we could really use is the warden.

Yes, but just thinking about a guard caused Ed to join, and look what happened with that.

Good point…wait a minute! I am the warden!

Uh oh…

Over the next month or so, several other guards and prison employees joined the ranks of the Coalition. A quick examination led it to the conclusion that it wasn’t that prison held societies criminals, prison just held the ones who had been caught.

Having the warden join the Coalition simplified the problem immensely. It effectively halted the release process. When you got right down to it, people were very concerned that criminals go to jail, but there was much less concern around ensuring that they got released.

While the basic problem remained, the Coalition had some breathing space.

* * *

Year 10, Month 6

Breathe in.

For a person whose life is chaotic, a moment of sanity can be jarring.

Breathe out.

In the case of the Coalition, many members had gone their whole lives in a blur of chaos. Victims of abuse, foster homes, and the just plain socially maladapted – they covered much of the extreme end of a chaotic life.

Breathe in.

One thing about the day-to-day in prison is that it is very predictable. One day is very like the next on the inside. When you factor in complete control of the prison itself, like the Coalition had, there was very little to upset the rhythm of life.

Breathe out.

Japanese traditions call this “Wa” or harmony. Some of the members of the Coalition who had been to Alcoholics Anonymous called it “Serenity.” Whatever it was, the People (as the Coalition called its members), were experiencing this feeling on a very large scale.

There were no fights, no threats, nothing out of order. Many of the People felt like they were underwater. The sound had been turned down. There was nothing touching them. Serenity. Wa.

Breathe in.

Being one of the People also gave perspective. The odd thing was how easily guys like the warden meshed with the rest. Sometimes it seemed like the difference between those on the inside and those outside was luck: the ones on the inside had been caught.

Whatever the case, while some of the People were extreme, most of them were not a whole lot different from the non-convicted members. Many of the non-cons were just as surprised at experiencing serenity as the convicts were.

Breathe out.

If harmony was strange and new, the concept of group meditation was even stranger. The Coalition had to be careful when doing this: otherwise everyone would stop what they were doing and meditate all the time. The feeling was contagious and somewhat addictive. Those who were better at it could help the ones who had trouble, hence, the group as a whole learned very quickly.

Open your eyes.

200 people simultaneously came out of the meditative state. In various states of repose, they got up, moved about and left the room so that another 200 could come in. The Coalition had to limit the time and size of the groups.

If the rest of the inmates thought something weird was going on before, now they felt that the place had been invaded. The inmates had a tendency to be paranoid to begin with, but these days some of them were jumping out of their skin at the slightest noise.

The Coalition gave a mental sigh. The day was coming soon when it would have to leave. No paroles and no departures for 6 months was pushing its luck. It didn’t help that some of the non-members had been talking about how weird Attica was before the People had managed to get control of the mail going into and out of the prison.

What was coming was risky. The entire population was going to have to leave in the space of one day. This was going to make the news all over the world. There might even be nation-wide panic. How do you explain 2000+ prisoners vanishing, and worse, how do you explain that you can’t find them?

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Groupthink: the Lighter Side - Chapter 4

what0607@gmail.com (Whatever) — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 03:09:00 +0000

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Year 10, Month 1

So much for the “bitter-sweet years of childhood” he thought sarcastically. Whereas human beings do not have a defining point where they become aware, the being that was made up of about 1,000 inmates in Attica Federal Penitentiary’s moment came and went like a 12 ton boulder hitting the ground. Once he became aware, there was no going back.

It was definitely a he, a male, owing to its being composed of all men. It did the mental equivalent of sitting on a stump and thinking, trying to come up with a name.

“Adam?” too biblical. “We?” too generic. “Coalition?” that would do for the time being. He also liked the ominous, 50s-esque overtones it implied.

If the prison guards had thought the inmates were on drugs before, now they thought they were all on some sort of sedative. There were no fights, no shouting matches. People didn’t even talk much. What’s more some “gnomes” seemed to have moved onto the premises.

There had been some broken tiles in the shower area for the past 5 years, for example. Occasionally, an inmate would cut his foot and complain (or worse) about it. Then one day a guard noticed that the tiles had been repaired.

Everything on the cellblock where Nate lived was spotless. The floors scrubbed, the cells neat and orderly.

One of the strangest things of all was that many of the prisoners were not applying for parole. Sometimes an inmate might do that when they know they'll be turned down anyways, in can shorten the sentence. It can result in being released earlier then if they applied. But these inmates were model reformers, every last one of them. It was like they didn’t want to leave.

As it turned out, they didn’t. One large problem the Coalition faced was that of what to do with people who left the prison. Before it had become conscious, this was not as much of an issue: people didn’t know they were part of it, so they didn't care if they left. But now that it was conscious, individual members did not want to leave.

This came as a surprise to the Coalition, who thought that someone like Nate, for example, would jump at the chance of getting out of his mental grasp. One thing no one had counted on was the intense feeling of…serenity that people had.

There was precious little to worry about. Other inmates simply did not mess with members, at least not anymore, and definitely not twice. The unfortunate who chose to do so would find themselves attacked on a thousand different fronts. Usually it was not physical, but, for that person, everything would go wrong. His cell would be trashed, he kept getting tripped and pushed by other inmates. Anything that could be reported to the guards was reported, his mail was lost, his laundry had holes, etc.

The violent ones were simply killed.

In all situations, the Coalition made it very clear why the retribution was being exacted. People didn’t mess with it.

Another problem was that the Coalition was growing. While he didn’t think about recruiting more people and he certainly didn’t try to induct more it happened anyways. In one month alone, about 100 new members had joined. They’d just notice at some point that they were part of it.

All this added up to one big problem: if things kept on going like this, the Coalition was going to end up in a lab somewhere or it was going to be forced into escaping from Attica. The lab wouldn’t work out. After a few weeks (days at this rate), all the experimenters would end up part of the experiment. Surprisingly, allowing a few people to escape would be child’s play. It was getting everyone out that was the hard part.

What the Coalition needed, he thought ruefully, was to get one of the guards on his side…

Standing on the grounds in front of the courtyard where the prisoners will milling about, Mr. Ed White, a guard with 4 years experience at Attica, had the uncomfortable feeling that he was being watched.

As it was, Ed was having a nerve rattling day.

He would have liked to have said that the inmates were acting up, but they were behaving ridiculously well: lining up before it was time to do so, no fights, courteous…it was unnatural. While that was “bad enough” today felt especially weird.

Ed would turn around suddenly and notice that people were not staring at him. He would walk up to groups of men that were not talking about him. If it were not for the fact that he got lousy pay and benefits, Ed would have taken a sick day.

Ed glanced at his watch and then back at the inmates. Then he glanced back at his watch again. Late! It was past the time when the inmates were supposed to head out! At least his vigilance was paying off!

Ed blasted a shrill note on his whistle. The inmates looked up.

“Alright convicts! Time to get moving!”

“But we just got here!”

“Don’t give me any of that! It’s 1:15 and time for the next group.”

“We are the next group!”

“Now don’t try any of that crap on me!”

The inmates just stared at something behind him.

Ed glanced over his shoulder and noticed a group of men, neatly lined up, waiting for him to take them back to the cell block. One of them waved uncertainly.

“Right! I knew that! OK funny boys, back to the cell block!”

At least now he had a reason to feel like people were watching him, what with him leading a group of 100 inmates. After delivering his group Ed was waiting at the vestibule between the cellblock and the rest of the complex for the next one. He traded some banter with Joe, the guy who opened and closed the gates.

“This place just keeps getting stranger.”

“You’re telling me! The other day I found out our computer system lost my personal day from last year!”

I am utterly alone Ed thought to himself.

I used to feel that way too.

Ed glanced at Joe sharply, but the man was still blathering on about lost vacation days. He looked around but didn’t see any other suspects.

It’s someone talking to you, exactly.

Ed turned around slowly but still didn’t see anyone.

“And here come our fine fellows now…” Joe observed dryly.

The next group of inmates came up to the vestibule. Joe buzzed them through. The inner door shut and Joe buzzed open the outer door. The group of men started walking towards the courtyard and Ed had to run for a bit to catch up.

Some guard I am.

They understand what’s going on.

The man nearest to Ed turned towards him and gave him the “thumbs up.”

“You, ah, can hear him?”

The man turned back. Ed felt a bead of sweat running down his spine.

Um…er…hello?

Yes, I am still here.

What’s going on?

I don't believe you.

Then things will be harder for you.

It was almost exactly like talking to himself, except that Ed was sure the thoughts were not coming from him.

What do you mean?

You have no choice.

What are you saying?

You are already part of us.

But…but I’m ME!

So are we.

Then…why can’t I read someone’s thoughts?!

Have you tried?

“Yo shithead!”

Ed glanced up angrily. Now this he could deal with! Ed strode over to a group of inmates who were standing in a circle.

“Which one of you maggots said that?!”

“Right here dipshit!”

Ed whirled around to confront Nate.

“Alright convict! You’re about to have yourself a little time out!”

“You read my mind, putz.”

“What? Are you looking to spend the next year in the hole?”

“Even if I were in there, you'd be right there with me.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Have you seen my lips move?”

“What?”

“When I talk are my lips moving?”

Thank you, Nate.

The inmate gave Ed a huge grin and turned away.

But…but…but…

You will be able to tell if someone is a member just by looking at them. You will pick up the knack in a day or two.

How do I leave?

You can’t. None of us can.

This isn’t fair!

No, it isn’t.

Ed glanced around wildly for a few moments, then he realized something.

You chose me!

Not exactly. I was merely studying you.

Why?

I…we need to escape from this place. If something isn’t done, some of us will soon be forced out.

Then why have all of you have been passing on the chance for parole?

Now that I'm conscious, none of us want to leave.

But why would anyone want to be part of this…this…thing?!

Yeah, pathetic, isn’t it?

Ed heard a new voice. An image came unbidden to his mind of a prisoner. At first he had trouble recognizing him, but then the man came into focus.

Heh…self-image. Never quite the same as what other people see, is it?

You want to be part of this?

Not when you put it that way but…have you ever doubted yourself? Me, I doubted myself my whole life. I’m a screw-up and I can’t do anything right.

And now?

Well, I still may be a screw-up, but I don’t have to deal with it alone.

Every doubt, every fear, every worry that had ever visited Ed…

Check!

Same here!

Me too!

I said that!

Word!

Every dirty secret, every crime, every transgression…

Been there, done that.

Yup.

Me too.

I never thought of using a gerbil like that…

Enough!

Ed was crouched over and gasping for breath.

I was wrong about you. Unlike most others you do have a choice. Since you can come and go from this place more or less at will, you could probably get far enough away that you will not hear my voice. You will escape. If that’s what you want.

You wanna time me?

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