Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tentacle Luuuuv: Chapter 5

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I long for your embrace, oh fair one,

that I might bask in the sun of your luuuuv.

Every moment without you is like an eternity.

Every smile is the kiss of bliss.

"That was really bad."

Edwarde glared at Lomilyth.

"You're supposed to be impressed that anyone likes you at all!"

"Some chick really said that?"

"Well, ummm, according to this note."

"Let me see that!"

Realizing that the elf would recognize his writing, Edwarde quickly used his amazing magical powaaars.

"What the?!"

The note had burst info flames before the elf could get a good look at it.

"Oh imagine that."

"That was weird…"

"Yeah well, notes burst into flames all the time."


Lomilyth was staring at him.

"Yeah, classic case of…note busting into flames"

Edwarde sort of trailed off.


Lomilyth made as if to run off.

"Hey! Don't you want to write a note or something for me to take back?"

"Hmmm…Tell her that I love her and that I want to do her!"


The elf cocked his head to the side.

"Pretty good eh?"

"And you said my poem was bad…"

"That was your poem?"

"I mean the princess's poem!"

"She's a princess?!!"


"Cool! Maybe I can get some money off of her too!"

Lomilyth ran off

"Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!"

"This is just not working…"

* * * * *

"So? What he say?"

"Someone set up us the bomb."

"No change subject!"

Edwarde had come back to the inn where Rugar was waiting. She was wringing her hands and fretting.

The lich realized that the truth wouldn't do at all.

"He, uh, liked it!"

Rugar beamed.

"So what he say?"

"What do you mean?"

"What he say in response to poem?"


Edwarde couldn't sweat, but not for lack of a reason to.

"He said."

How I too long for your luuuuv

Would that we could meet in the moonlight and fly to the Casbaaa

And avoid gnomes

Rugar looked puzzled, but not unpleased.

"Why he say that bit about gnomes?"

"Maybe he's jealous."

"But me no like gnomes!"

"Well…maybe he's afraid that you'll start."

Rugar shrugged and made as if to go.

"Me go get nukkie now."


"Well, he said he…"

"Doesn't anyone here have a romantic bone in their body?!!"

Flayer, who had been sitting in a corner staring at his spoon looked up.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing…"

"Why me not get nookie?"

Edwarde elbowed her in the ribs. Flayer looked confused.

"Oh, it's silly mating rituals."

Flayer went back to staring at his spoon.

Edwarde dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

"He doesn't know it's you yet."

Rugar looked disappointed.

"That mean we have to do silly note business again?"


Fortunately, Rugar didn't notice Edwarde's grin. Of course, Edwarde's grin didn't look especially different from his other expressions…

Rugar sat back down again.

"Well…Rugar thinking about poems while Edwarde away…"

* * * * *

And then put your head on a stick!

Edwarde finished his stanza and glared at the elf.

Lomilyth considered the poem.

"She really said that?"


"My kind of girl!"

"This is like a bad dream…or story."


"Oh nothing. Is there anything you want me to take back to her?"

"Yeah! Let's ditch this whole poem crap and get down!"


Later that day, Rugar found Edwarde crying into a mug of beer at the tavern.

"You drinking, Edwarde?"

The lich looked up. His eyes were red. Of course they were normally red…

"No, not really. It's just the only way that creep would leave me alone."

"What creep?"

"At the bar."

Rugar looked over, but he couldn't see anyone.

"Rugar no see anyone!"

"He's kind of short."

Rugar walked up to the bar and looked over it – straight into the malevolent eyes of the meanest gnome she'd ever seen.

"What do you want to drink – and it better not be water!"

"Ummm…Rugar have a root beer."

The half-orc walked back to Edwarde's table. While she had been away, the lich had started crying again.

"What wrong?"

"Oh, everything just seems so hopeless!"

"You sure you not drinking?"

"Yes – I can't actually drink anything."

Rugar considered this, and then took Edwarde's drink.

"Also, how you crying?"

"Well, I just sort of put my hands over my eyes and make crying noises."


Rugar considered this as she downed Edwarde's drink in one swallow.

"Rugar, you can't hook up Lomilyth! He's a total jerk."

"Why you say that?"

"Because what do you want?!"

The gnome bartender was back with Rugar's drink.

"Here you go, ya slob."

"Great, now take a hike!"

"That's 2cp."

"You are really pushing it…"

Edwarde rummaged around in his robes.

"Can you make change?"

"No, but I can keep it."

Edwarde flipped the small humanoid a silver piece. The little man waddled off.

"You're welcome (little creep)."

"Up yours bony."

"You in bad mood."

Rugar had downed the root beer in one swallow.

"Maybe there's something to this whole evil business after all…"

"What you say?"

"Someone set up us…stop that!"

Rugar looked disappointed, but nonetheless stopped trying the tired gag.

"What was I saying?"

"You talking about Rugar and Lomi should be together."

"No I wasn't! I was talking about how you and Lomilyth should not get together! What are you trying to do, put words in my mouth?"

"It worth try."

"You deserve someone better Rugar!"

"Like who?"

"It's you!"

Just then, Lomilyth burst into the tavern and leapt about triumphantly.

"What you say?"

"Some one…aaaargh!"

"I knew someone else had to be writing those poems!"

Rugar stood up abruptly, knocking over the table. The noise of the ruckus had brought the attention of the barkeep/gnome.

"Hey! You broke my plates!"

"Shut up gnome!"

"Oh yeah?"

The gnome hefted a two-handed mace, one so large that it seemed impossible for him to wield without falling over, and rushed towards the half-orc and the lich.

"Who's short now?!!!"


In a flash, Lomilyth had gotten out her (whack! make that his) axe and sent the gnome flying…in two pieces…

Edwarde was horrified.

"Another life taken! Still, if it had to be someone…"

"Let this act be a token of my luuuuv!"

"Oh Lomi! You no have to do that for Rugar!"

The half-orc rushed to take up the effeminate elf in one of his bear hug embraces; but he managed to duck under it.

"No you oaf! I meant Edwarde!"

"What?!! Get away from me you freak!"

"Oh sweety…you know I like it when you're so…feisty!"

"But Rugar love you! Edwarde stole Rugar's Mr. Right! Or at least Mr. Right-now…"

Edwarde's face, a mask of horror to begin with, looked even more horrified. An achievement to be sure…

"But I don't love you!"

The lich protested.

"No relationship is perfect…"

"And besides, I luuuuv Rugar!"

"That hussy!"

Lomilyth frowned.

"Is it my imagination, or did he spell that word differently when he talked about you?"

"Eeeeew! Rugar not interested in necro-feeling-whatever! Rugar stick with living critters…like Lomilyth!"



The three of them started running in a vicious circle, each chasing their star-crossed luuuuv.




Rugar was calling the elf's name and running after him. Lomilyth, in turn, was yelling Edwarde's name and running after the Lich. Edwarde, in turn, was breathlessly crying out for Rugar and chasing after her. Taken together, the three of them looked like a collection of Irish Setters.

"What the hell is going on?!!"

This statement had been made by Flayer, who was surveying the mess with his arms crossed.

"Huh?" Said the Lich.

"Wha?" Said the elf.

"Huh?" Said the half-orc.

"Hey, I called 'huh' first."

"Oh…how about Wha?"

"That's taken too!" Snapped the elf.

"Oh…you soooo cute when you annoyed. Rugar just wanna gives you beeeeeeg huuuuug!"

Rugar ran towards Lomilyth.

"Eeek! Edwarde! Save me!"

"Oh I'll save Rugar…for myself!"

The three of them continued chasing each other.

"What the hell is going on?"

Djaro had poked her head in and was staring curiously at the three scurrying party members.

"That's what I said."

"What did they say?"

"And I said it first?"

"They said 'I said it first?'"

"No, I said…oh never mind…"




Djaro stared owlishly at the three of them.

"You know…people don't do that in real life…only in comics, bad harlequin romance novels, and lame short stories."

Djaro and Flayer considered this in silence.

"Do you remember what I was thinking when you read my mind that first time?"

Then Djaro smiled at Flayer. Savoring each word, she reminded him:

"Raw…uncensored…tentacle sex!"

"ACK!!! Get away from me!"

In his panic, Flayer had managed to run into a corner.

"Luuuuuuv is in the air baybeee! Give in to it!"

As Djaro closed in for the kill, the other party members being occupied in their various pursuits, Flayer lashed out with his mind – rending the very fabric of thoughtspace in his desire to stop the pint sized humanoid.


A blast of pure thought slammed into Djaro, Rugar, Edwarde and Lomilyth, stunning them into mute, empty-headed staring. Lomilyth didn't look much different.

"Wow…I've finally developed my Mind Blast ability! And not a moment too soon – talk about deus ex machina…"

* * * * *

Rugar was following Djaro…who was following Lomilyth…who was following Edwarde…who was following Flayer. Rugar didn't remember when they had started walking, in fact, she didn't remember much of anything at all. All in all, she felt like she had just woken up.

Rugar poked at Djaro.

"Hey, where we going? Hey!"

Djaro stopped and looked at Rugar. She had the look of a Halfling with a bad hangover.

"Leave me alone, I have a bad hangover."

"Djaro remember getting drunk?"

"No, that's what makes it bad."

Rugar considered this.

"Djaro know where we going?"

"Course I do!"


"C'mon, we're falling behind."

Djaro dashed off after Lomilyth, or rather she tried. With each step came a muffled "Ow!" After a few strides, she had to be content with walking quickly. Never the less, the two of them caught up to the others fairly quickly.

"Hey! Where we going?"

Lomilyth, whose eyes were especially bloodshot, turned towards them.


"Where we going?!!"

"Shhhh! I got a bad hangover."

Rugar couldn't help noticing that the elf's hair, normally full of shine and body, as if from one of those shampoo commercials, or perhaps from a "Pantene" billboards or sign that you see on the sides of buses or maybe bus-stops, which nonetheless if actually subjected to one of these fine, hair-care products would probably dissolve, looked frazzled.

Lomilyth turned back towards Edwarde.

"But where we going?"

"Down this road stupid."

"But where road go?"

"I dunno, I'm just following Edwarde."

The three of them stumbled after said Lich, who was following Flayer.

"Hey Edwarde, where we going?"

The skeletal figure slowly turned towards them. His glowing red eyes seemed redder than usual.


"Where we going?"

"I…I was just reading my novel."

The lich held up a tattered book, that he had been reading or at least looking at. Upside down.

The four of them turned and variously walked, stumbled and limped after the Mind Flayer.

"Hey Flayer! Where we going?"

Unlike the rest of them, Flayer seemed alert and aware.


"Where are we going?"

"Down this road, fool!"

"Yeah, but where road go?"

"Well according to this sign, it goes to a small and yet rustic town, about 3 miles from here."

The others looked at the nearby sign. Flayer resumed walking down the road.

"I knew that." Said the Lich.

"Me too."

"Same here."


Lomilyth started walking again, the others followed.

"Rugar have this feeling, like he forgot something important…"

"Couldn't have been that important if you forgot it."

Quipped Djaro.

"Hey Flayer, where'd you get that bucket of brains?"

"Oh, I just found it on the side of the road…mmmm…gnome brains!"

"What? Oh nothing…"

The Mind Flayer quickened his pace. Edwarde struggled to keep up. The other two shrugged almost simultaneously and followed.

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Tanis said...

I liked it!
a perfect mix of gnome brains, crazy tentacle sex, and half-orcs :)
Talk to you soon,

Whatever said...

If I had a bucket o' gnome brains, I'd share it with you :-D

Thanks for the feedback

Tanis said...

bucket of gnome brains - 4cp feedback - priceless. :)