Sunday, December 30, 2007

DeathTalker 2: Chapter 2

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The ship touched down on the dead, windy planet of Korriban; ancient home of the Sith. The setting sun cast long, dark shadows as the ramp was lowered onto the ground.

"Welcome to Korriban!"

Anakin stopped on the ramp so abruptly and Obi-Wan and Padme bumped into him. He glared at the vision of friendliness and hospitality in front of him.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Vince Pathway, one of the many friendly people you will find here on Korriban to help make your stay a pleasant one!"

Anakin's eyes darted uneasily to the man's lapel, where a garish button proclaimed that the local gift shop was having a sale on stuffed Sith dolls.

"Are we on the right planet R2?"


"Then where are the Sith?"

"Well funny you should ask that – we have an illustrated book in the gift shop that happens to explain, in spooooky detail, the history of the Sith and of Korriban!"

Anakin stalked down the runway without another word. He glared at Vince, decked out in cheap, fake black robes and all, and headed for the disturbing looking Evil Sith Temple™ and Gift Shop. Obi-Wan followed at a more leisurely pace, while Padme stopped to ask the man about toy light sabers.

Entering the building, the three were confronted with a long line, apparently for tickets to some of the rides. Anakin glanced around in an annoyed fashion and headed towards another fake looking Sith. This one had a button describing discounts at the local restaurant.

"Excuse me."

"Just a moment friend, let me finish helping this fine fellow!"

The man was talking to a large wookie who appeared to have pink bows in his fur.

Anakin crossed his arms and waited impatiently. Padme approached with some drinks and handed one to Obi-Wan.

"Thanks for thinking of me too."

Padme shrugged.

Finally the Wookie finished talking to the sales representative. Just as Anakin was about to speak, a Jawa, sporting a fake lightsabre, yanked on the tour guide's pants and started complaining.

"Oh my! I'm sorry, I didn't notice that you were first! Just a moment."

Gritting his teeth, Anakin made a throwing gesture with his hand. The man and the Jawa glanced at the resulting noise. Anakin made a "shooing" gesture and the Jawa flew backwards, slamming into a wall.

The robbed figure turned and did a double-take.

"Now where'd he go?"

Anakin glared at him.

"Well, umm…yes, what can I do for you?"

"Where is the tomb of Naga Shadow?"

"The wha?"

"The tomb of Naga Shadow: the original Sith Lord?!"

"I um, um, um…"

"Oh that's right here Anakin."

He turned and glared at Padme.

"How do you know?!"

"It's on this map I found while I was getting the drinks."

Anakin grabbed the map and stared at it. One corner had the hours that the gift shop was open.

"Ummm…we have tours 9 to 7pm most days…"

He trailed off helplessly and grinned again.

Anakin spun about and marched out of the hall. With a glance at each other, Obi-Wan and Padme followed.

"And to our left you can see some ancient Sith hieroglyphs, cursing anyone who is so foolish to enter the tomb of Naga Shadow."

The tour guide stuck her flashlight under her chin, the light shining up her nose. Her voice dropped to a whisper.

"Do you dare follow me?"

A crowd of onlookers watched in more or less rapt attention. Only the sound of someone munching popcorn could be heard.

Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme were to the rear of the group. Anakin had his arms crossed. Padme was wearing a baseball cap. Obi-Wan had a foolish, child-like grin and a T-Shirt that read: "My Jedi Master went to Korriban and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!"

"Very well, but don't say I didn't warn you…"

The tour guide led the way into the tomb. Anakin, growling, followed the rest.

Against the far wall was set a dais, steps leading up to a large throne. On it sat a darkly robed figure, his pale hands protruding from his sleeves. Anakin rolled his eyes.

"Enter, my new apprentices…"

The crowd shuffled in into the tomb, the dusty floors recording their footprints. Anakin frowned, that voice sounded familiar.

"I want to call on you all to join me in the ultimate darkness that lurks at the far side of the force…"

Anakin's eyes widened. It couldn't be…

"That voice! My god it's…it's…"

"Grandpa Sith!"

Proclaimed the tour guide.

A small Jawa came running up the steps and jumped into the figure's lap.

"Oof! Well, we do you want for your birthday little one?"

The jawa whispered something jawa-like into the side the of the dark robed

The jawa whispered something in jawa-speak into the side of the dark robed figure's head.

The sinister figure reached into a nearby sack and pulled out a very fake looking red lightsabre. The little humanoid grabbed the toy excitedly and ran off. Another child ran up and sat in his lap. Anakin's face showed a look of true horror as a flash went off, Palpatine's faced pressed next to the child's. His mouth showing a toothy grin.

"This is what we came all this way for?!!"

Anakin looked helplessly at Padme. Her hands were on her hips.

"But…but…can't you see it's him?! It's Palpatine!"

The three of them were now regarding the dark robed figure.

"Please…I prefer 'Gandpa Sith'…it's so much nicer."

The sinister man was grinning a nasty, Sith-like grin. He put down his latest charge and got up off the throne.

"I'm afraid Granpa Sith needs to run off and take care of some evil deeds™. Now you all be bad!"

The crowd waved goodbye, except for an especially persistent child.

"But I didn't get a chance to talk to him!"

Palpatine waved a dark sleeve at him.

"This is not the Sith you're looking for."

"This is not the Sith I'm looking for."

"He can go about his business."

"He can go about his business."

"Move along!"

"Move along!"

Palpatine walked through a doorway, down a corridor into an adjoining chamber.

"Though I do actually like talking to them, the Force does make things so much easier at times…"

Anakin stared him while Obi-Wan took out his lightsabre. Padme's jaw had dropped and she had lost the gum she'd been chewing.

"I saw you die…"

"Funny, I heard the same thing about you."

"Well you will not get away this time."

Obi-Wan had taken an "en guard" position and started approaching.

Silently, three other robed figures appeared from behind the Sith Lord and took up position behind him. Obi-Wan cocked his head and Padme frowned.

"Obi, put the weapon down. You and Padme should leave now."

"What just happened? I feel something's changed."

"I think you should take his advice master Jedi."

Obi-Wan growled and advanced. Palpatine rolled his eyes and shrugged. The Three behind him grinned and raised their hands.

With a cackle, purplish lightning flew from their hands to encompass the Jedi Knight. Gasping, he was lifted into the air and hurled against a nearby wall.

"I'm outta here!"

Palpatine regarded Padme's retreating form.

"She always did strike me as fairly bright."

"Certainly smarter than Obi-Wan."

Palpatine looked at Obi-Wan where he was slouched against a wall, unconscious.

"OK, well that's not hard."

One of the spectral figures behind Palpatine hissed at him.

"Drop your weapons!"

"I don't have any."

The Sith looked disappointed.

"Can I fry him anyways?"

"He's already dead idiot."

"Speaking of which, how did you manage that?"

"Clones, I've got lots of em. Just float over and repossess."


"So you see how futile resistance is?

"Not quite."

"And you say you're smarter than Obi-Wan!"

"I happened to know where your Gungan Water Polo jersey is."

Now it was Palpatine's turn to hiss. The Sith shades looked up hopefully. They had this "Can-I-fry-him-now-pretty-pretty-please?!!" look to their faces.

"That wont save you."

"What are you going to do? Kill me?"

"That raises some interesting metaphysical questions."

"Well you have your debating team with you."

"But actually I have a better idea"

* * *

Anakin squirmed in the chair he was bound to.


"Now, now. There are children nearby."

The Three were standing near by sniggering.

"Death really would be preferable to this."

"I know. Consider this payback for the jersey."

"Point taken."

On the console in front of him could be heard some strains of music.

So the one day that this lady met this fellow.
And they knew this was much more than a hunch

Anakin nodded towards an unconscious Obi-Wan.

"What are you going to do with him?"

"I was thinking of letting him go – it would probably cause more damage that way."

Obi-Wan made "mphh" noises where he was tied up in the corner.

That this group might someday form a family
And that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch!

"Well you are good at making use of available materials…"

"But, then again, he might have a flash of competence and bring the rest of the Jedi. That would be most…inconvenient."

"Then why not kill him?"


"Well, given the current company, that might prove…inadvisable."

"Do you always talk like that?"

"It comes from working in the Sith Evil Temple™"

The Brady Bunch!
The Brady Bunch!
And that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch!

"That really is annoying you know."

"Wait until 'Fipper' comes on."

Anakin glared at Palpatine as he left them to their doom, his Evil Laughter™ trailing off in the distance.

"Do you have one of those need Jedi rope cutting gizmos?"

Anakin craned his neck to get a look at Obi-Wan.

"Mpph, murrr, murph, mph!"

"Ya know, there's something to be said for this arrangement…do you think we could get Palpatine to use it on Yoda?"



The little droid scooted into the room.

"He'll have us out in no time."

The droid deployed a small, buzz-saw like tool that Obi-Wan looked at nervously as the droid wheeled towards him.


"Don't worry, I just worked on his sensors, he's in tip top shape!"

Obi-Wan started struggling violently.

"Alright, that's far enough."

Framed in to the doorway was a figure wearing some sort of armor that included a rocket pack.

"Hands up!"

Anakin, and Obi-Wan exchanged glances. Even R2 turned to look at the man with several of his sensors.


"I said 'hands up!'"

"Beep, beep."

"I'm warning you…"

"He doesn't have any hands."

"Roight, it's hard to see in this thing you know."

"You look kind of familiar…"

"Yes, I'm the legendary…Jango Fett!"

"I'm over here, you're talking to the droid."

Jango turned around several times until he finally managed to vaguely face Anakin.

"Yeah, uhh…"

"Hard to see in that thing."


"Could you at least turn off this damn thing?"


"Well, ummm…the thing is, Palpatine told me to leave it on." Anakin considered glowering at him, but stopped when he realized that it would be lost on the armored figure.

"And over here is the Evil Sith Throne Room™!"

Just then a crowd of people shuffled in, led by another black-robbed tour guide.

"And oh my! It's Jango Fett!"

Jango struck a pose, unfortunately at a nearby wall, but a bunch of children in the crowed ran up to admire the villain.

"Oh cool!"

"You can fly with that thing, right?"

"Does your armor come with an I-Pod?"

Between signing autographs (one of which was unfortunately on an admirer's forehead), and lack of visibility, it was a few minutes after the crowd had left that he noticed that his captives were missing.

Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme ran towards the ship with R2 in tow.

"I take back what I said, you're not useless."


"Not you, Padme!"

"Hey, no problem."

Obi-Wan look glum.

Padme schlepped off her black robe of Evil™ as they walked up the gangplank.

"Where'd you get the tour guide outfit?"

"Gift shop."

"If you don't want to keep it."

"Get your own."

Anakin sulked.

"So what's the plan? Do we have to stop Palpatine before he actives his ultimate evil plan, perhaps arriving in the nick of time and only after a protracted light saber fight?"

Obi-Wan perked up.

"Nah, let's just blast him."

Obi-Wan crossed his arms and frowned.

"I'd better fly."


It was Anakin's turn to look petulant.

"I know how you fly."

Padme nodded vigorously.

"R2 – take us to Yavin."

The droid zipped off to the cockpit.


"Do you think that Jango will come after us?"

As the ship took off there was a dull "thud" as if something had hit the hull.

"I think he just tried."

Moving over to a porthole, the three of them looked out and saw a stunned Jango as he fell back to the landing pad.

"He should really get better visibility out of that thing."

Later on that night, the three of them sat in the galley eating some freeze dried food. Obi-Wan gagged on some strawberries.

"Don't we have that, what's-it-called, you know…orange, sorta sweet…"

"Why didn't he just kill you?"

Padme looked up from the copy "Politician Life" that she had been reading. As it just so happened, she was on the cover.

"He already tried that."

"Speaking of which, how did you survive that?"

"Who says I did?"

Obi-Wan and Padme shared a glance.

"You could have fooled me."

"For half a credit you can be me. I didn't volunteer for this."

"For what?"

Anakin turned to Padme.

"Before, we talked about how Palpatine managed to form impossible alliances."

"No, they're just unlikely. As I tried to tell you..."

"YOU TRIED TO TELL me that it these alliances, while not impossible were none the less very unlikely!"

Padme crossed her arms. This had the effect of highlighting her breasts. Obi-Wan stared. Padme noticed and uncrossed her arms uncomfortably.


"So they were unlikely!"

Anakin glanced at Obi-Wan, who was fidgeting as well.

"You didn't even notice, did you?"

Obi and Padme shared a "huh?" look.

"OK, so Palpatine managed to form these crazy alliances, and he also happened to be a Sith Lord, and he managed to come back from the dead…"


"And the Jedi all experience a slow but steady decline in their ability to use the Force…"


"And I show up, a Deathtalker…"


"And I get shot and come back from the dead…"


Anakin looked exasperated.

"I'll go check on R2."



Anakin sat back down and pointedly read the nutritional ingredients of some weird, orange flavored powder that one could mix with water to form an amazingly nutritional supplement.

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