Thursday, January 1, 2009

Evening - Page 12

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The next few days I had wanted to talk to Herbert to explain that, like, we were different species and stuff and that I'm really not into bestiality - not that there's anything wrong with that ya know, but that it's just not my thing. But for one reason or another we didn't run into each other.

I spent time trying to figure out how to break it to him, but I'm like, not the expert on human psychology, ya know? I even tried talking to one of the teachers, at least the only one that seemed to actually care about any of the students, by visiting Glenda the Good's office.

I was in kinda a hurry, so rather than asking for an appointment and then waiting for a week, I oozed onto her secretary's desk and got one within a few minutes. Glenda seemed genuinely pleased to see me, or maybe it's just that I brought a plastic slip-cover for her chair.

"So what can I do for you Ms. Slothoth?"

"I have this...problem."

"Oh? What sort of problem?"

"There's this...boy in my class, like."

Glenda had this knowing look and conversation thing that seemed to go off track when she remembered who I was.

"A boy? And you? Did you eat someone dear?"

"No! No! Nothing like that!"

Glenda's face took on this sort of thoughtful look, not exactly the relieved one that you'd think she would have.

"He...he likes ya know?"

"You...and some human boy?"


"He...he er...likes you?"


"Well fuck me."

I was so startled by that phrase that I looked around to see if someone else where there, but it was just me and Glenda, and Glenda had this totally shocked look on her face. She was being totally slow to respond but I just babbled on, sorta glad that I found someone who would at least listen to me.

"But I'm like, not into him, ya know? At least totally not that way, but I don't know how to let him know that it's not a mutual thing, right? So he doesn't get all upset and hang himself...or something."

Glenda was still just sorta sitting there with her tea cup half raised and staring at me. She didn't say anything.

"I hoping that know...being a human being and stuff...might be able to tell me?"

I guess I wasn't using the right body-language, but I tried to make my eye-stalk seem sincere, and I formed a great big, gaping mouth with lots of teeth and had it grin at her.

Glenda's eyes swiveled down and surveyed my new formation, then swiveled back to my eye-stalk. Her tea cup still hadn't moved.

"And you seem like the only teacher here that isn't actively trying to kill the students...ya know, not that Heartworms isn't a great school and everything..."

With a shudder, Glenda seemed to snap out of it and said "Oh my! Look at the time! My next appointment's due!"

"Ms. Good! I need your help with this!"

"I love these little chats we have, drop by next week some time why don't you?"

I was really desperate for advice so I did something that I knew was kinda mean.

"I guess the other parents will understand when their children not only survive Heartworms but end up shacked up with a nice slime like me!"

Glenda froze where she was, in the act of reaching for her magic wand, probably in preparation to "poof" me out of her office. Her eyes started swiveling again and she said "What?"

"I can just imagine how happy Herbert's dad will be when he realizes that yes, Herb is going to make it and that he'll have me to look forward to as a son in law...daughter...whatever."

Glenda sat down in the big chair behind her desk with a muffled "thump" and looked at me. She tried really hard to shift to her usual, smiling manner. The effect was rather unsettling.

"Have you tried pointing out that you two are different species? That...that your people don't even really know ah...erm..."

I wondered which of the two of us even had more sex given how much trouble the word was giving her. Rather than dragging this on any longer I came to her rescue.

"No I haven't pointed this out. The reason why I came to use is to figure out how I can point this out without him dying or Xema disemboweling me."

Glenda's smile became brighter and it looked like she was going to jump in with some anatomical detail.

"You know what I mean."

Her smile faded.

"Well, ah, you could try getting him to uh, notice one of your friends."

"You mean the ones that are still alive?"

"Yes, well, Heartworms has always maintained very high standards."

She shuffled things around on her desk for a bit and then brought her fist down in a very lady-like pounding motion.

"You'll just have to tell him that it's not to be!"

"But what if he..."

"No! No! You must be very firm and assertive, but respectful! Just tell him flat out no!"

I was trying to think this through when she raised her magic wand.

"Yes, that's the only way. Now you really must let me get to my next appointment. Give that a try and let me know how everything works out."

There was a "poof" and I found myself in the corridor outside her office. I noticed that her secretary had locked the door and stuck stuff along the bottom so I couldn't ooze through. I slithered off despondently.

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1 comment:

Tanis said...

Herb's parents might not like it when they realize their son is so desperate for companionship he'll "do" anything, even a giant sexless slime :)